From: cybill@pacbell.net   
      
   XXXXXXXXXX   
   CHAPTER 11   
   XXXXXXXXXX   
      
   COOPER CREEK B&B   
   KENT, CT   
   MULDER'S ROOM   
   MAY 29, 1997   
   THURSDAY - 10:00 PM   
      
   I knocked on his door until his muffled voice filtered though, "Go   
   away, Scully."   
      
   'Fine I will,' I thought.   
      
   I entered my own room and went to the bathroom where our rooms   
   were connected. He never locked the connecting door and I wasn't   
   willing to let him refuse me. Alice had made things so clear to me.   
   I realized that I didn't need to fight this change between us. It   
   was   
   inevitable. This was just another portion of my life that I had to   
   go   
   through.  Hiding from it or denying it wasn't going to make it go   
   away.   
      
   I turned the knob to his room. Just as I thought, it was unlocked. I   
   opened the door. He was lying on the bed on his stomach, his face   
   buried in a pillow. Only one of the bedside lamps was on. An ice   
   bucket and a glass of what looked like whiskey in a tumbler sat on   
   the end table. To my relief, it didn't look like he'd even touched   
   the   
   drink. Almost as if he'd dropped the ice into the glass, poured it   
   and then forgot about it.   
      
   "Scully, some privacy please. I really don't want to see you right   
   now." The pillow muffled his words.   
      
   I went to the bed and sat down on it. I lifted my hand to his head.   
   He flinched at my touch. I realized I had a lot of making up to do.   
   I'd hurt him and this wasn't going to be easy.   
      
   "Mulder, I want to talk to you." I wisped my fingers through his   
   scalp hoping that the caress would make him realize that I wasn't   
   here to make things worse.   
      
   "I thought you said all you needed to say at the restaurant. Look,   
   its okay, Scully, you don't need to do this. I'll be fine. You don't   
   need to coddle me." He turned around so that I wasn't touching him   
   any longer. "I'm a big boy, really. I'm not in high school anymore.   
   I think I can handle the girl I have a crush on not wanting to wear   
   my ring." He was trying to be cool but it wasn't working.   
      
   "It's not like that, Mulder," I said with a sigh.   
      
   "Then you tell me what it is, Scully?" He got up and started pacing   
   the room. "You've never admitted your feelings to me. You always   
   have to be so strong. Why can't you be honest with me?" he   
   questioned. "What?  I'm good enough to fuck but I'm not good   
   enough to trust with your feelings?"   
      
   I really didn't have the answer he was looking for. I didn't know   
   why I felt this need to hide things from him, or never let my true   
   feelings show. "Mulder, it's not you. It's always been like this for   
   me. I've never been able to easily let my guard down with men."   
      
   "I'm not just any man, Scully. I'm your partner. You and I have   
   been through hell and back. The only thing that kept us from losing   
   everything time after time was each other. You and me." He   
   pointed his finger between us to emphasize his comment.   
      
   "I know Mulder, and I'm sorry. All of this has been so sudden," I   
   started and he cut me off.   
      
   "It's been six years! It's not as if I woke up yesterday and   
   thought,   
   'I love Dana Scully. What do you know?' I agree with you that the   
   physical part started recently. Yes, we may have been drugged but   
   it only brought out our desire, not created it.  It just lowered our   
   inhibitions.  It's not as though that desire wasn't there before we   
   stepped foot in this town."   
      
   I nodded.   
      
   "If you're going to break my heart by saying that you've never felt   
   that way before, I'd rather we didn't drag it out, all right? Just   
   leave   
   now."   
      
   "No, I wouldn't say that. It's been there for me too," I admitted.   
      
   "It has? You have? You've desired me?"   
      
   "Yes."   
      
   "Then what is so wrong about wanting more and taking that next   
   logical step in our relationship? What is it about me that scares   
   you   
   so much?" He sighed and collapsed into the chair across from the   
   bed.   
      
   "Mulder, you are so passionate, so all encompassing.  I'm afraid I   
   won't be able to keep up sometimes."   
      
   "Passionate is a bad thing?"   
      
   "For me, yes. I could so easily lose myself in you. Everything   
   we've worked so hard to achieve could be lost."   
      
   "Scully, we're still the same people. Just because we choose to   
   spend our nights and weekends together, as well as our workday,   
   doesn't make us any less driven towards the truth. It actually might   
   make us more driven to find the answers we so desperately seek.   
   Without the constant sexual tension, I might add." He clasped his   
   hands around his knees and looked at me.   
      
   I was shaking uncontrollably. I knew I wanted to tell him   
   everything I admitted to Alice but it was so difficult.  "It would   
   change everything."   
      
   "Only for the better. I can believe in just about anything. You   
   know that, but I can't believe that loving you is wrong. I won't   
   believe it. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.  Damn   
   it, Scully, it hurts so bad when you shut me out."   
      
   My breath hitched as he once again mentioned loving me. I   
   decided now was the time to take that risk. Lord help me, for I've   
   fallen.  "I want to wear your class ring, Mulder," I said softly.   
      
   He looked at me, confused, then his eyes squinted with   
   uncertainty. His earlier statement must have dawned on him and he   
   gazed at me as if I'd grown horns. "Scully, don't. Just don't get my   
   hopes up." He got up from the chair.   
      
   "I'm so sorry, Mulder." I bowed my head in shame for putting him   
   through all of my teetering back and forth between wanting to take   
   the plunge and being to afraid to.   
      
   He strode back to me, daggers in his eyes. "Sorry for what, Scully?   
   Sorry that you hurt me? Sorry that you're breaking my heart? What   
   else is new? Every woman I've ever been with has broken my   
   heart. It would only make sense that the one woman I really loved   
   and wanted to love me back, didn't!"   
      
   "But, I do," I whispered as tears rolled down my cheeks. I swiped   
   them away quickly not wanting him to see me cry and bowed my   
   head from his prying eyes.   
      
   "What did you say?" He tipped my chin and forced me to look into   
   his eyes.   
      
   I shook my head, once again afraid to tell him the truth.   
      
   "No Scully, no fucking hiding! What did you say?"   
      
   "I said that, I, I do love you," I stuttered.   
      
   "Don't say it because you want me to feel better or you somehow   
   want to mend this rift between us." His hands came down on my   
   shoulders.   
      
   "I wouldn't lie to you, Mulder. You know that," I said.  I closed my   
   eyes. I'd lost the battle with my tears and they slid down my face   
   unchecked. I was leaving myself open and raw to him. He would   
   understand the gesture.   
      
   He kissed each of my tears away. "You love me?"   
      
   I opened my eyes and nodded. "You love me?" I turned the   
   question around on him.   
      
   "With everything I am, Scully."   
      
   "Show me."   
      
   When I asked him to show me, I rather expected this encounter to   
   be as quick, fast, and hard as the last few were. He wasn't having   
   any of that.   
      
   His fingertips moved from my shoulders and skimmed up the sides   
   of my neck, over my hairline, down my cheekbones. His thumbs   
   settled on my lips. I kissed each of them.   
      
   "Scully, if we do this, there's no going back to before. I can't be   
   a   
   fuck-buddy. I can't just have sex with you anymore. It has to be   
   more."   
      
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
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