From: susanf34@comcast.net   
      
   *NO ARCHIVE*   
      
      
      
   Headers, disclaimers, etc. can be found in part 1.   
   susanf34@comcast.net   
      
      
      
   Hollow Places (2/2)   
   by Susan   
   ~~~~   
      
   ------   
   eight   
   ------   
      
   I had another session with Lucy today, and I was   
   able to talk to her some more about my abduction.   
      
   It seems to be getting easier.   
      
   Not to relive the memories, but to talk about them.   
      
   There were many times when I thought I'd never be   
   able to discuss them, but now I actually want to.   
      
   Today we talked about the chip that was implanted   
   in the back of my neck.   
      
   I first started having flashes of it six months ago   
   and not being sure whether it was a real memory or   
   something I imagined, I never had it checked out.   
      
   Then about two months ago when I was having my   
   annual physical, my doctor noticed that I had a   
   small scar at the base of my neck. She felt a tiny   
   lump there and took an x-ray of what looked to be   
   a piece of metal, like maybe a fragment of buckshot   
   or something.   
      
   It wasn't.   
      
   Once it was removed from my neck, and I examined   
   it under a microscope, I couldn't believe how much   
   it looked like a computer chip.   
      
   Not understanding how or why I would have a computer   
   chip implanted inside of me, I requested to keep it   
   so I could take it somewhere to get it more thoroughly   
   analyzed.   
      
   I never did.   
      
   It's still in a glass container tucked away in the   
   top drawer of my dresser, and though I'm now certain   
   that it was put inside my neck during the time that   
   I was missing, I don't know *why* it was put there.   
      
   Was it used to monitor my activities or to manipulate   
   them?   
      
   Either way, the thought that somebody invaded my   
   body and mind like that is something I don't want   
   to think about, which is why I've kept it in the   
   drawer all this time.   
      
   Maybe once I find Mulder, I'll take it out again, and   
   he can help me pursue a more thorough investigation   
   of it, but for now, I feel safer with it carefully   
   tucked away in my dresser.   
      
   As far as making progress on his whereabouts, I   
   haven't had any, and I'm beginning to get frustrated.   
      
   And worried.   
      
   I know we've been separated for a long time, and   
   I know we aren't partners anymore, but it seems   
   like I should have been able to get some sort of   
   lead on him by now, or that I should have at least   
   had some kind of premonition about where he is.   
      
   But there's been nothing.   
      
   Is it possible that he's started a new life with   
   someone else and that he just really doesn't want   
   me to find him?   
      
   Or maybe it's something even bigger than that.   
      
   Something he has no control over just as I had no   
   control over what happened to me.   
      
   No, it can't be that. Anything but that.   
      
   Or can it?   
      
   Could it be that I haven't heard from him all this   
   time or been able to find him because he was abducted   
   like I was?   
      
   No, I'm not going to let myself think that way.   
      
   I can't.   
      
   I can't even begin to consider that possibility   
   because if I do, I might start slipping backwards   
   again, and I really don't need that, not after   
   I've come so far.   
      
   So, what's next then?   
      
   Do I take a different approach in trying to locate   
   where he is, or do I continue searching the way I   
   have been?   
      
   I honestly don't know, but I do know this.   
      
   I'm not going to stop until I find him.   
      
      
      
   -----   
   nine   
   -----   
      
   Two days after I considered the possibility that   
   Mulder may have left me not because of a choice he   
   made, but because of a choice that was made for him,   
   my phone rang.   
      
   It was nearly midnight, and I had just gotten home   
   from work. Assuming that it was one of the doctors   
   or nurses from the clinic asking about one of the   
   patients I'd treated tonight, I picked it up without   
   a second thought.   
      
   It wasn't.   
      
   It was a nurse from Artesia, New Mexico, calling   
   about a different patient.   
      
   She was inquiring about a man who was brought into   
   the hospital in critical condition earlier in the   
   evening.   
      
   A tall man with brown hair and a small mole on his   
   right cheek.   
      
   A man who'd been drifting in and out of consciousness   
   ever since he was brought in, but had been awake   
   long enough to ask for a Dana Scully with the FBI.   
      
   After I got the phone call, I immediately made my   
   own call to American Airlines and booked the first   
   available early morning flight, which is where I   
   am now.   
      
   And where I've been sitting in a window seat for   
   the past half hour writing in my journal.   
      
   I thought that maybe writing would calm me down   
   and help me sort out all the emotions I've been   
   feeling ever since I first got the call last night   
   from New Mexico, but it hasn't.   
      
   I'm still a bundle of nerves, and I'm still trying   
   to figure out why I'm even on this flight.   
      
   After all, Mulder's the one who deserted me when   
   I needed his support.   
      
   And Mulder's the one who's stayed away for the   
   past two years without so much as a phone call,   
   a letter, an e-mail, or anything else.   
      
   So, why am I even doing this?   
      
   Why am I flying across the country to see a man   
   who may not even be him?   
      
   Because despite all that's happened, despite how   
   much he hurt me, I still care about him.   
      
   And because I need to know.   
      
   I need to know where he's been all this time. I   
   need to know what he's been doing, what he's been   
   feeling.   
      
   And why.   
      
   I've considered before that he may not have had   
   a choice in why he left me, and if it really *is*   
   him in that hospital and he really was abducted   
   and tested on the way I was, then all the feelings   
   of anger and betrayal I've directed towards him   
   will have been based on a lie.   
      
   But is it really possible?   
      
   Is there actually a chance that he was abducted   
   two years ago and has just now been returned?   
      
   And if so, what kind of shape will he be in?   
      
   When I was gone, it was only for a few months,   
   and I'm still trying to get over the emotional   
   and physical damage that was done to me.   
      
   But how can he possibly get over having two years   
   of his life stolen from him?   
      
   And what about his injuries?   
      
   The nurse I spoke to told me that the man who was   
   brought in not only had bruises and cuts all over   
   his body, but internal damage to his kidneys and   
   lungs as well.   
      
   So, what will I do when I see him like that? What   
   will I say?   
      
   But more importantly, how will I feel?   
      
   When he was shot by Lucas Henry, it was all I   
   could do to keep my emotions in check. And when   
   Deep Throat was killed, and he was dumped out of   
   a van with his hands tied behind his back and his   
   eyes swollen shut, my heart was pounding so fast,   
   I actually had difficulty breathing.   
      
   So, how will I react when I see him this time?   
      
   Will all the feelings I have for him come rushing   
   back to the surface, or will I close myself off   
   again?   
      
   And what if it isn't even him in that hospital?   
      
   What if I'm getting myself all worked up over   
   something that might not even be true?   
      
   No, it's him.   
      
   I know it, just as I know that I'll do whatever   
   I can to help him recover.   
      
   When I was returned four months after I was taken,   
   it took me weeks to heal from my injuries and years   
   to put my life back together again.   
      
   After being held captive for two years, I can't   
   even begin to imagine all the emotional and physical   
   baggage he's going to have to deal with.   
      
   Muscles and joints that ache in the middle of the   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)