From: xf_emily_sim@yahoo.ca   
      
   Title: S.N.A.F.U. Chapter 30a   
   Author: Emily Sim   
   Rating: Mature Adults only   
   Category: M/O S/O (brief/past) MSR Angst/Mythology AU   
   Spoilers: Seasons 2 - 6   
   Disclaimer: Still don't own them, no money changed   
   hands, I always put them back when I'm done.   
   Thanks to: xdks, Tali, Jake, - without these gals this   
   would not   
   be readable and to Siggy and Toate for providing   
   valuable   
   insight.   
      
   Feedback to: xf_emily_sim@yahoo.ca   
      
   Summary: What if Kristen Kilar wasn't dead, at least   
   not in the   
   traditionally understood definition of dead.   
      
   **************   
      
    Chapter 30a   
      
   Mulder chanced a glance over at his partner. She had   
   been silent   
   since leaving Parenti's office and he wasn't sure what   
   his next   
   move was. Her hands were fisted in her lap and her   
   eyes focused   
   on the lights splitting the darkness outside the car   
   window. If   
   Scully were true to form she would be looking to send   
   him home as   
   quickly as possible. Asking to come in was out of the   
   question.   
   He would just have to push his way through her walls   
   and force   
   the issue.   
      
   Running out on her early in the morning wasn't his   
   best move, but   
   having a naked Scully next to him was unsettling.   
   Watching her as   
   she had lain beside him, looking so young and   
   vulnerable, had   
   stirred up feelings in him he wasn't sure how to deal   
   with. He   
   had felt happy, contentment covering him like a warm   
   blanket, but   
   then an overwhelming sense of responsibility for the   
   path she was   
   pursuing pushed it all aside and he'd panicked. It had   
   scared the   
   hell out of him.   
      
   He pulled up in front of her building and she was out   
   of the   
   vehicle before it was turned off. He followed her   
   through the   
   front door, a silent shadow keeping pace behind her.   
   She ignored   
   him throughout the elevator ride and the short walk   
   down the   
   hallway. She didn't acknowledge him until they had   
   reached her   
   door.   
      
   "Mulder..."   
      
   "I'm coming in, Scully." He watched her carefully, a   
   tinge of   
   satisfaction at his core as he read resignation in her   
   face.   
      
   "Whatever." She dropped her keys and bag inside the   
   door. "I'm   
   going to get out of this suit."   
      
   "Fine." He sat down on the armchair to wait.   
      
   She was back moments later, her suit having been   
   exchanged for an   
   old pair of sweats. She settled herself on the couch   
   across from   
   him.   
      
   "Why didn't you tell me?"   
      
   She wouldn't meet his eyes and her answer was muffled   
   behind her   
   hands.   
      
   "Scully, can you tell me now?"   
      
   "Tell you what? You've heard most of it."   
      
   "Yeah, except why I had to hear it from the doctor at   
   the   
   eleventh hour."   
      
   "When would you have had me tell you? In the shower,   
   during the   
   fiasco that passed for a CDC operation? Or maybe I   
   should have   
   found a canine screen name of my own and joined your   
   cozy little   
   chat with Karin Berquist?"   
      
   "That isn't fair. This has nothing to do with a case.   
   It's   
   personal and I'm half of the equation."   
      
   "So now it's personal? It isn't your body. This is my   
   life."   
      
   "I never once interfered with your right to decide,   
   Scully, but   
   we entered into this together, and right now I feel   
   like one more   
   person I care about is fucking me over."   
      
   "I am not Diana or Phoebe.""   
      
   He raked his hands through his hair. "I didn't mean to   
   imply that   
   you were."   
      
   "I know that. But you can't confuse my choices with   
   your bad   
   experiences."   
      
   "I'm not. But you can't expect me to just step aside."   
      
   "Why not?"   
      
   "Because that isn't how I work."   
      
   "So, tell me."   
      
   "I don't know if you're ready to hear what I really   
   think about   
   the whole thing."   
      
   "Of course I am. I'm a big girl. If you're pissed at   
   me, spit it   
   out."   
      
   "I don't know if this conversation will fit with the   
   doctor's no   
   stress directive."   
      
   "In case you hadn't noticed, we've already passed the   
   no stress   
   mark."   
      
   "Okay. Why now? Why a baby? Why not another dog? Or   
   are your   
   motives purely selfish?"   
      
   "That is uncalled for."   
      
   "This is all your call. You decided to go ahead with   
   this now.   
   Without letting me in on all the facts. Shit, Scully,   
   you should   
   still be taking it easy according to Parenti. What if   
   you do get   
   pregnant and it puts pressure on the scar?"   
      
   "Oh, I see."   
      
   "No, I don't think you do _see_. Don't you know...I'd   
   do anything   
   for you? Anything. Even if it meant letting you go."   
      
   "I'm not asking for --"   
      
   "Don't, Scully."   
      
   "No, _you_ don't, Mulder. You consume me. You eat me   
   up and spit   
   me out. I'm only allowed in as far as you'll let me.   
   You say   
   you'd do anything for me, yet you keep key pieces of   
   information   
   from me and dole them out only when it serves your   
   needs or   
   you're forced to." She took a deep breath. "I know I   
   come second   
   to your search, I've come to terms with that." He   
   moved to   
   interject, but one look closed his mouth. "This is my   
   reality and   
   about what I need, Mulder. Maybe some of the reasons I   
   want this   
   baby so much _are_ selfish."   
      
   He winced, hearing his words spat back at him, but   
   knew she was   
   far too angry to pander to any regrets he might have   
   about his   
   choice of words.   
      
   "This is my decision. You're just pissed you can't   
   control every   
   aspect of my life."   
      
   "I've never wanted to control you. To be able to   
   control someone   
   you'd have to be allowed to get close enough. You keep   
   your heart   
   behind an ice wall."   
      
   "I think you should go."   
      
   "No."   
      
   "No?"   
      
   "This time we finish the discussion."   
      
   "This isn't a discussion."   
      
   Mulder took a deep breath. It wasn't. It was a full   
   out fight,   
   one that had been brewing for a long time. She tended   
   to collect   
   problems, like other people collected dolls or stuffed   
   animals.   
   She gathered them up and tucked them away inside. He   
   didn't think   
   there could be any room left. On the other hand, he   
   tended to   
   ignore things, and he was sick of ignoring things. She   
   was wound   
   up tight as a ball, which didn't bode well for the   
   doctor's   
   instructions to avoid stress.   
      
   "Truce, Scully. But I'm not going until we talk, and I   
   do mean   
   talk. I'll go make some tea while we both calm down."   
      
   "Can't."   
      
   "You can't what? Can't talk?"   
      
   "The tea, I can't have caffeine."   
      
   "So, I'll make herbal. I can tolerate peaches or   
   whatever that   
   floral shit is you drink sometimes." He smiled in an   
   attempt to   
   lighten things.   
      
   "It's not peach. It's mint. And it's in the blue   
   canister." She   
   failed to return his smile and he could only hope that   
   the   
   evening wasn't totally shot to hell.   
      
   **********   
      
   He had to admit the tea was soothing. It allowed him   
   time to   
   collect his thoughts and calm down. There had been a   
   moment   
   during their heated exchange when he heard his   
   father's angry   
   voice in place of his own. The last thing he wanted to   
   do was   
   become the man his father had become.   
      
   "Where's your cell phone, Scully?"   
      
   She moved to get up off the couch. "I think it's --"   
      
   "Just tell me. You're supposed to be resting." He   
   leaned over and   
   gently pushed her back into the semi reclining   
   position she had   
   been in.   
      
   "I'm not an invalid." Her protest was half hearted.   
      
   This was a rare opportunity for him. He didn't often   
   get a chance   
   to tell her what to do, and have her listen. "Where?"   
      
   She pointed to the front hall where her purse and keys   
   still sat   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)