On Monday, 27 May 2013 20:48:09 UTC+12, JWK4EVER  wrote:
>I am looking for Matthew Vincent, he was a friend=20
>of me at Usenet but due to my psychosis several=20
>years ago we have lost contact. He had to endure=20
>my delusional tantrums in email and I want to=20
>apologize to him.=20

Hello Jan-Willem,=20

I still read this newsgroup occasionally, but not very often. I'm preoccupi=
ed with other matters right now, and have a very busy schedule. Also, I hav=
e Aspergers, which impairs my organisation and time management.=20

It's nice to see you again. I hope you are well. I didn't feel offended or =
bothered by anything you said in email. I'm guessing that you have sometime=
s been rejected by other people in social situations in the past, and that =
you feel confused about why this is. So, you're left wondering what's OK to=
 say and what isn't. Social situations must feel like an invisible minefiel=
d to you, and this must be a tough burden to live with. You are very brave =
and strong to continue trying your best in the face of all this.=20

You don't need to feel so guilty and apologetic all the time. You're a good=
 person and you contribute positively to the world around you. You try your=
 best in the face of difficult circumstances that are beyond your control. =
There are plenty of selfish jerks around, and you're not one of them. That =
janitor you told me about seems like a nasty bully and a prize idiot.=20

Here is my case formulation of you, as of last we talked, which admittedly =
was several years ago. You most likely meet criteria for an Axis II delusio=
nal disorder, as your psychiatrist(s) diagnosed you with. An Axis II disord=
er is generally less severe than an Axis I disorder. You don't meet criteri=
a for schizophrenia, which involves delusions, hallucinations and disordere=
d thinking. You only have delusions, and those delusions that you have are =
not severe in intensity. Your logical understanding of causality is not imp=
aired, but you sometimes engage in delusions as a defence mechanism to prot=
ect your self-esteem and manage core identity issues.=20

Psychiatrists often speak of "delusional guilt". My interpretation of delus=
ional guilt is that it typically involves a negative schema, combined with =
an impairment in your ability to use rational evidence to counter the negat=
ive thoughts you've had about yourself.=20

Your IQ seems to be above average (tests can measure it more precisely), an=
d you're smart enough to learn more than one language. Your vocabulary in E=
nglish, which isn't your first language, is pretty good. Your ability to un=
derstand the world around you does not seem to be impaired, except for your=
 negative self-image and delusions pertaining to yourself and your core ide=
ntity. The Babylon 5 questions, such as "Who are you?" and "What do you wan=
t" are worth considering. They're not easy questions to answer. It's painfu=
l to be yourself, so you use delusions as a form of escapism.=20

Last we talked, you were comfortable and perhaps even enthusiastic about re=
ceiving help and support in this newsgroup. Consequently, I'm assuming that=
 you're consenting to hearing the above material publicly. Please accept my=
 apologies in the event that this assumption of mine was inaccurate.=20

It's pretty quiet in here these days, and I'm not going to be around much. =
That's why I figured I'd give you this formulation now, for you to take awa=
y with you if you wish. I'd like to be clear that nothing I say to you onli=
ne can take the place of formal therapy in "real life" in your local area. =
So, if you're seeing professionals such as a psychiatrist or clinical psych=
ologist, please be guided by them. If you wish to print out this post of mi=
ne and show it to a professional you're seeing locally, please feel free to=
 do so.=20

The reason we lost contact is not due to your psychosis, or anything about =
you, or anything that you said or did. I simply got too busy doing other th=
ings, and lost contact with other people besides you. I'm not very good at =
keeping up with email correspondence. I'd lose my head if it wasn't screwed=
 on. Your apology is definitely accepted, and wasn't necessary in the first=
 place.=20

Take care, and I wish you all the best. I'll hopefully see you on this news=
group again sometime.=20

Kind regards,=20
Matthew=20
--- SBBSecho 2.20-Win32
 * Origin: Time Warp of the Future BBS - Home of League 10 (1:340/400)