TZUTC: -0700
MSGID: 1989.coffeekl@1:218/700 2322b10c
PID: Synchronet 3.18a-Win32  Apr  9 2020 MSC 
TID: SBBSecho 3.10-Win32 r3.159 Apr  9 2020 MSC 1925
CHRS: ASCII 1
The Holiness of Coffee, Part I


The Coffee Theory of Civilization is simple and indisputable: Coffee  caused 
European civilization.

Compare Scandinavia B.C.:

Crude Viking raiders
Subsistence farmers
Bestiality

with Scandinavia A.D. :

Nobel Peace Prize
Euthanasia
Socialism
Danish modern furniture. 

Historical evidence suggests that the beginning of the Baroque period in art 
closely with the infusion of coffee into the indigenous European cultures.

Coffee was first introduced in Southern Italy and soon spread northward,  in 
the same sequence as baroqueness. The advent of the Roccoco period coincides 
with the advent of expresso methods. However, even Coffee has proven a mixed 
blessing, as the genesis  of the insurance racket  can be traced to  Lloyd's 
coffee  house  in  London,  where habities  wagered on  the safe  arrival of 
seagoing trading vessels.

Selflessly braving  untold  hazards,  the  authors  have  collected  several 
primitive chants  from the  secret javacrucian  sect, which  are recited  by 
cultists while grinding beans, during the transsubstantion of water into
starter fluid, and  while  actually  imbibing.  The  most  widely  practiced 
javacrucian rite is as follows:


Facing Rising Sun (where applicable; otherwise generic East or any source of 
light will do),  and holding the  mug of Brewe,  celebrant takes first  sip, 
elevates mug, and intones, "Gods, I needed that!" and means it.


Other rare and previously unrecorded chants are offered below:

A Grinding Invocation:
    We all worship the Black Bean
    Body of God, Caffeine
    Where there is Life There is Coffee!
    Where there is Coffee there is Life!
    (repeat as needed)

Hayduke's Transubstantiation chant:
    Chemicals! Chemicals!
    Chemicals! Chemicals!, etc.

Jamaican Blue Coffee Chant:
     Ja-va! Ja-va! Ja-va!!

North America, circa 1940:
    I like Coffee, I like Tea,
    I like the Java-Jive and it likes me!

The little-known Creation myth of the Javacrucians was channeled one Beltane 
Morning by Brother Buffalo, and promptly  forgotten by all, who had not  yet 
imbined  the  Sacred Substance.   Careful anthropological  research suggests 
that it had something to do with the great God fillintheblank being deterred 
from utter destruction of  mankind in a fit  of disgust with the  lesser god 
Java.


... Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
--- MultiMail/DOS v0.52
 * Origin: http://realitycheckbbs.org | tomorrow's retro tech (1:218/700)
SEEN-BY: 1/123 10/0 1 14/5 15/0 2 19/36 90/1 102/401 103/705 104/115
SEEN-BY: 106/201 114/224 702 705 706 116/18 120/302 331 340 601 123/131
SEEN-BY: 123/140 128/2 73 187 253 153/7715 214/22 218/0 1 215 401
SEEN-BY: 218/410 700 720 802 820 222/2 226/16 30 227/114 702 229/101
SEEN-BY: 229/424 426 452 664 1014 230/150 152 240/5832 249/206 307
SEEN-BY: 249/317 400 250/1 261/38 100 266/512 267/155 282/1031 1056
SEEN-BY: 291/11 100 298/25 305/1 3 310/2 312/2 317/3 320/119 219 322/757
SEEN-BY: 340/400 341/66 342/13 200 396/45 640/1321 712/848 801/161
SEEN-BY: 801/189 2320/105 3005/1 3634/12 5020/1042 5053/58
PATH: 218/700 261/38 15/0 317/3 229/426