From: iamjobspancreas@applesauce.org   
      
   LISTEN, Oh my Holy (T)Roller APPrentices!   
      
   [2]   
   As some of YOU may know, I grow weary these days. Soon, I shall pass   
   on from this realm and ascend. Despite rumors to the contrary, I do   
   not have APPendicitis, nor require an APPendectomy, and my APPendix is   
   not the problem, but don't tell this to my potential follower converts   
   as I'm trying to dump my overstock through channel sales before I kick!   
      
   [3]   
   My faithful followers throughout history have known me by many names   
   as I have reincarnated many times.  Some of YOU may have heard of my   
   previous names such as Appu, Appule, APulia, Apuleius, Apollo, and   
   Apollyon.  After many incarnations throughout history, and many   
   literary references, my reincarnating is about to come to an end, and   
   I shall pass from this realm yet one final time, only this time, to   
   ascend to a higher level of existence - the Apogee of existence   
   (herein described as an APPositive no less) - as the one and only iAM,   
   The Almighty Lord of iOS.   
      
   [4]   
   Before I depart, I want to comfort YOU (the fanboi faithful   
   APPostles), and I want to APPeal to YOU to remain strong, and do not   
   become APPathetic.  Now is the time to APPreciate the True Way(tm),   
   and henceforth shall be called the "APPian Way" to iOS, (named after   
   one of my prior incarnations "Appius Claudius Caecus")   
      
   [5]   
   Let me assuage all YOUR APPrehensions.  Remember, many may attempt   
   ascension to iOS, but only the "APPian Way" is APProved and endorsed   
   by me, and is a much easier road to travel on YOUR journey to   
   ascension.  Many are called, but only a few will be chosen as only   
   these few will APPrehend all of which I am writing YOU.   
      
   [6]   
   I know only a few have the APPtitude and ability to APPly all of the   
   counsel I am offering YOU.  I hope YOU retain a deep APPreciation of   
   this gift of knowledge I shall be leaving with YOU, my APPrentices.   
      
   [7]   
   Do not APPease, nor APPologize to the 'Win-Lin' heretics, as they   
   shall be defeated one day when I shall return and visit upon them the   
   APPocalypse and every knee shall then bend at their 'APPomattox' and   
   confess that "iAM" is Lord, and the "APPian Way" is indeed the only   
   APProved way to "iOS".  Those that do not heed my words shall receive   
   their APPortionment in the fires of "Window sHADEs" for eternity.   
   However, lesser offenders such as the Linux folks shall be interned   
   for a time in a purgatory, but shall have benefit of an APPelate   
   process in order to 'buy their way out' by surving/living family   
   members purchasing iPads and APPpropriate APPurtenance(s)(apps) to   
   expedite their tortured loved one's paroles from purgatory.  The   
   windiots and android freeks shall see the "Holy Light peak" before   
   their very eyes.   
      
   [8]   
   Also, if YOU, oh faithful, encounter those pesky APPosate APPulous, do   
   not even attempt to APPeal to them!  Leave them to me, their judgment   
   is mine, and they shall forever be banned from Communion with me for   
   their ultimate blasphemies, and iPhone app piracy!   
      
   [9]   
   Furthermore, do this in remembrance of me: First, pass around a cup of   
   Apple Cider tea and each of YOU must drink from it - this is my blood.   
   Second, break and pass around a loaf of bread and each of YOU must eat   
   some of it - this is my body.  You shall dip the bread in apple   
   butter, or liverwurst pate dip (as an APPetizer), but do not use   
   pancreas sweetbreads style dip as this will defile the entire meal.   
      
   [10]   
   I must leave YOU now, as I grow weary.  My physician has instructed me   
   to visit the APPothecary, and take two tablets and call him in the   
   morning.  Therefore, I'm taking the day off, grabbing two iPads, and   
   going to the park to spend the day resting under a nice tree while   
   sipping on Boone's Farm Apple wine heavily laced with cinnamon (for   
   it's soothing properties on the pancreas, y'know).   
      
   [11]   
   I am indeed very sick.  It will not last much longer however until I   
   ascend.  Until then, I must simply prepare my followers for my   
   ascension, bilk them for as much moola as I can via their app store   
   purchases because as the 1st Law of iOS states: "He who dies with the   
   most toys(or buck$) WINS!"   
      
   [12]   
   Remember the APPian Way will guide YOU.  Please proceed directly to my   
   Holy Temple (the app store) and download my latest app, "Jihad 1.0".   
   The app will normally sell for $9.99, but for a limited time will be   
   offered for just $6.66.  Act before midnight tonight, and receive a   
   free copy of my independently produced game "Angry Beheadings" in   
   addition to the app.  Good stuff!   
      
   So it is written, so it shall be done!   
      
      
   --   
   Lord "iAM" Job's Pancreas   
      
      
                    From the Book of Jobs (CH.6)   
      
   [1]   
   LISTEN, Oh my Holy (T)Roller APPrentices!   
      
   [2]   
   As some of YOU may know, I grow weary these days. Soon, I shall pass   
   on from this realm and ascend. Despite rumors to the contrary, I do   
   not have APendicitis, nor require an APendectomy, and my APendix is   
   not the problem, but don't tell this to my potential follower converts   
   as I'm trying to dump my overstock through channel sales before I kick!   
      
   [3]   
   My faithful followers throughout history have known me by many names   
   as I have reincarnated many times.  Some of YOU may have heard of my   
   previous names such as Appu, Appule, APulia, Apuleius, Apollo, and   
   Apollyon.  After many incarnations throughout history, and many   
   literary references, my reincarnating is about to come to an end, and   
   I shall pass from this realm yet one final time, only this time, to   
   ascend to a higher level of existence - the Apogee of existence   
   (herein described as an APPositive no less) - as the one and only iAM,   
   The Almighty Lord of iOS.   
      
   [4]   
   Before I depart, I want to comfort YOU (the fanboi faithful   
   APPostles), and I want to APPeal to YOU to remain strong, and do not   
   become APPathetic.  Now is the time to APPreciate the True Way(tm),   
   and henceforth shall be called the "APPian Way" to iOS, (named after   
   one of my prior incarnations "Appius Claudius Caecus")   
      
   [5]   
   Let me assuage all YOUR APPrehensions.  Remember, many may attempt   
   ascension to iOS, but only the "APPian Way" is APProved and endorsed   
   by me, and is a much easier road to travel on YOUR journey to   
   ascension.  Many are called, but only a few will be chosen as only   
   these few will APPrehend all of which I am writing YOU.   
      
   [6]   
   I know only a few have the APPtitude and ability to APPly all of the   
   counsel I am offering YOU.  I hope YOU retain a deep APPreciation of   
   this gift of knowledge I shall be leaving with YOU, my APPrentices.   
      
   [7]   
   Do not APPease, nor APPologize to the 'Win-Lin' heretics, as they   
   shall be defeated one day when I shall return and visit upon them the   
   APPocalypse and every knee shall then bend at their 'APPomattox' and   
   confess that "iAM" is Lord, and the "APPian Way" is indeed the only   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)