-=> Quoting Damon Getsman to Nancy Backus on 31 Dec 13  01:27:57 <=-

 DG> Any feedback in this area whatsoever is totally appreciated.  I've
 DG> got a couple of friends that are single parents, or parents in general,
 DG> but not more than a handful.  I've got a pretty sparse handful of
 DG> friends altogether, actually, and that constraint makes it even
 DG> smaller.  I've got precisely one friend who I think is a 'good' parent,
 DG> on top of it.  So any feedback, advice, or ideas, even moral support
 DG> that I can get from another has a significant weight for me.  

Then you've come to a good place for that... maybe not as many as used
to hang out here, but these little support echoes are pretty much where
the good aspects of Fido community can still be found.  :)

 DG> It's been a hell of a struggle, and sometimes I really wonder how I am
 DG> able to keep one foot going in front of another, especially when we're
 DG> homeless and rejected by the only local family that we have right now.

That's very tough... family is supposed to be there for you... but
sometimes they can be as cruel or more than the rest of the world...

 DG> even our cat, the one that protected us from danger by being our early
 DG> alert system when we had to camp offroad in the hills of Missouri for
 DG> lack of money for a motel, is in need of medical treatment that we
 DG> can't afford, and it may well be cancer, which will mean losing yet
 DG> another constant in his life at such an early age.

That's hard, too.  I suspect that your son will help you with your
grieving over the loss, though, as much as you'll be there for him. 
Maybe the cat will still be around for longer than you think, too...
sometimes they can be pretty tough...

 NB>>  and, I'm sure, quite the wild ride for you...
 NB>> and I don't mean that to be at all derogatory... 

 DG> It has been.  I'm pretty sure it's driven me past the boundary of
 DG> where sane meets batshit loony a few times, when I didn't know how he
 DG> was doing in the hands of an irresponsible and crazed mother a whole
 DG> ocean away. 

Fortunately, you've been able to get past that point, and have him with
you now.. one less thing to go crazy over... 

 NB>> There are some definitely scary parts to this as well.. She certainly
 NB>> doesn't seem like a particularly wonderful person, or much of a
 NB>> mother... 

 DG> Yeah, it was a really tough way to begin to learn much more about
 DG> the art of judging people for the right qualities, and to pay much,
 DG> much less attention to superficial qualities.
 
A hard lesson... but a very important one... and maybe your son will
learn it from your experience and be better prepared when his time
comes... 

 DG> this particular niche in, at least American, society is
 DG> horrifically unaddressed, along with other gender skewed venues
 DG> such as male victims of domestic abuse, and the like. 

People get stereotypes in their heads, and then can't see past them to
the real situations... I think it's starting to be better understood and
to be better addressed than it once was, but you are correct that
there's still a long way to go... I had a friend once that was in a
similar situation, abused by his wife (who had known mental issues), and
yet she was able to retain custody of their daughter, after she kicked
him out... the courts believed her lies over his true statements...  On
the other hand, I have a friend now that was able to keep custody of the
children (a boy and a girl, iirc) in a similar situation...

 DG> For sure.  I just had an incident tonight...  The people that're
 DG> giving us a place to stay right now have 6 other kids.  I'm an only
 DG> child, and my son, at least beyond the age of 18 months, has been an
 DG> only child.  I have always done a lot better, socially, in a very small
 DG> group, or much more preferable, a one-on-one setting.  He's the same
 DG> way.  In this big group the 'Lord of the Flies' mentality takes over,
 DG> as it does with all kids, and there is a revolving target that lands on
 DG> each of them periodically where the kids make fun of each other.  When
 DG> it lands on him, and someone makes fun of him for something, he takes
 DG> it much more personally than the others.  I'm overprotective of that. 
 DG> It took my good friend pointing out to me tonight that I couldn't see
 DG> it because I'd been raised as an only kid (as he had, as well), but
 DG> that type of experience is what hardens somebody to be able to bounce
 DG> back in larger group social situations.  I've always been at a loss in
 DG> life because of not knowing what to do in those situations, and taking
 DG> things so deeply and personally; I hope that he's not too old to learn
 DG> how to have it make him stronger. 

As long as you don't coddle, but do support, he should be able to learn
it just fine... You can sympathize with his feelings, but then explain
that they didn't mean it personally... it's just more a game with
them... and that it's ok to respond in kind, but not in a mean way... 

I don't recall quite that dynamic growing up as a child, but then I was
the oldest of 8, the first five showing up by the time I was 7... We'd
have our arguments, but in most cases, it only made us grow closer...
and of course, since I was the oldest, I was usually being held
accountable for whatever squabbling was happening, so I tended to try to
keep that sort of stuff to a minimum wherever possible...  ;)

 NB>> I think you are doing a wonderful job, from what you've said... I give
 NB>> you lots of credit for taking the responsibility for your son, and for
 NB>> fighting for him and for his well-being.  He's got a lot going for him
 NB>> with you as his dad.  :) 

 DG> I have my faults, but he's saved my life, so I'm definitely focused
 DG> on trying to make his as good as it can be, with whatever conditions
 DG> the future world might hold.  Thank you.  :)

I'm sure you both will be learning from each other as he grows up... and
I expect that you'll have a special relationship even after he's grown
and on his own.  :)

 DG> I do believe there was another unread message in this echo after the
 DG> one that I'm now replying to, so hopefully there are more.  :)

I'm a little surprised there weren't a few more jumping in by now, but
it is the holidays so maybe that had something to do with it... and I
really don't know who all might be just lurking, like I've been...  :)

ttyl       neb

... If laughter is the best medicine, let's take a double dose.
--- Blue Wave/DOS v2.20
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