Re: Re: Male Single Parenting - Views by Peers and Agencies
  By: Nancy Backus to Damon Getsman on Fri Jan 03 2014 18:42:55

 NB> Then you've come to a good place for that... maybe not as many as used
 NB> to hang out here, but these little support echoes are pretty much where
 NB> the good aspects of Fido community can still be found.  :)

  Heh.  Yeah, there's a couple of echoes that I've been making a go at for
quite a few months now that I'm about ready to put aside for awhile.  Seems
like in at least a couple of them, the moderator and a few key individuals that
always seem to be in about 180-degree opposition sit and hurl artillery shells
at each other to the tune of dozens of kilobytes of text, but never come to any
sort of agreement and certainly not a ceasefire.  Most of my attempts to get
into those discussions have been met by people testifying against each other
regarding whoever's posting that I may've responded to.  Whatever, I guess,
doesn't really work for keeping me amused but if it gives them a happy and full
life, so be it.

 NB> That's very tough... family is supposed to be there for you... but
 NB> sometimes they can be as cruel or more than the rest of the world...

  Interestingly enough it was my adoptive mother (the one who just a couple of
months ago kicked my son and I out into the snow so that she could get her
house fixed up enough to get photos of it in 'Victorian Living' hopefully [she
doesn't understand that a 2 bedroom, one floor starter house with spraypainted
doors will never end up there]) who first pointed me at William Peltzer's book,
_A Child Called It_.  She's one that I got a few forms of serious abuse from,
when she wasn't having paranoid schizophrenic delusions about Satan commenting
on how she was burning in the 'Lake of Fire'.  Let me just sum up all of that
by saying "I'm glad I was adopted; that genetic line needed to stop there."

 NB> That's hard, too.  I suspect that your son will help you with your
 NB> grieving over the loss, though, as much as you'll be there for him. 
 NB> Maybe the cat will still be around for longer than you think, too...
 NB> sometimes they can be pretty tough...

  The cat actually seems to be doing pretty good lately, at this interim place
that we're at.  However, it appears that our stay here is coming to an untimely
end, with me still no closer to having my transportation working, nor any other
place to stay, nor a job (thanks to the no transportation and seriously
sub-zero temperatures).  Pretty sure I'm going to end up in an overnight
shelter with my son, after this, and if the pregnant wife of my friend, whose
hormones are (he says) allegedly to blame for my eviction from here, that my
cat will end up kicked out, too.  That's almost worse in a way than having to
put him to sleep.  All that my cat does when I'm not around and he's in an
unfamiliar place is hide and yowl when other people or animals bother him. 
He's a completely fulfilled and happy cat when I'm around, though.  Gah.  I
gotta stop focusing on the problems and start focusing a little more on the
solutions.  When I look at the problems too long, my outlook goes negative, and
then I start attracting negative.  The last thing that I need is any more of
that right now.

 NB> Fortunately, you've been able to get past that point, and have him with
 NB> you now.. one less thing to go crazy over... 

  That is absolutely right.  When I'm struggling with the amount of bogus crap
in my life, the one thing I can always rely on to put a smile on my face, or at
least a warmth back into my thoughts, is my son.  Not having to worry about his
abuse or neglect where I can't do anything to help him is one unrelenting
positive in my life.  When I really don't know where I'm going to get my next
meal, then it weighs me down a little bit more; I could stand homelessness when
I was on my own much easier than I can when I've got a son to provide and care
for.  God if only I could get that vehicle working.  Everything is fixed now,
it just needs a higher amperage battery.  However, without transportation in
this weather, I can't even get to the plasma bank to donate plasma to raise a
hundred bucks for that battery.  Everything right now that I need to jumpstart
myself is in a catch-22 situation like that, as far as I can tell.

 DG>> Yeah, it was a really tough way to begin to learn much more about
 DG>> the art of judging people for the right qualities, and to pay much,
 DG>> much less attention to superficial qualities.
 NB> A hard lesson... but a very important one... and maybe your son will
 NB> learn it from your experience and be better prepared when his time
 NB> comes... 

  That's precisely why I talk my son all the way through pretty much everything
that I'm advising him on, any reason he's having priviledges taken away for, or
anything else that reminds me of experience in my life (or experience that I
would've been better off getting or knowing about).  I always tell him how not
learning these things, or how not having a proper example, or whatever from my
messed up childhood, affected me and how much longer I kept paying and
suffering for lack of it.  Everybody that talks to him, his teachers, everyone,
always comments about his vocabulary and his mature perspectives into things,
and how good his decision making is when he doesn't have any supervision.  I
hope that means that I'm doing these things right.  He's obviously soaking
things up and applying them at a much faster rate than a lot of his peers; I
just hope they stick with him, despite the fact that, unlike me, he hasn't been
burned and learned the hard way from most of these things.

 NB> People get stereotypes in their heads, and then can't see past them to
 NB> the real situations... I think it's starting to be better understood and
 NB> to be better addressed than it once was, but you are correct that
 NB> there's still a long way to go... I had a friend once that was in a
 NB> similar situation, abused by his wife (who had known mental issues), and
 NB> yet she was able to retain custody of their daughter, after she kicked
 NB> him out... the courts believed her lies over his true statements...  On
 NB> the other hand, I have a friend now that was able to keep custody of the
 NB> children (a boy and a girl, iirc) in a similar situation...

  I've seen a _LOT_ of that, especially (with a few exceptions, always in the
minority, at least in the cases I've seen) in law enforcement and the judicial
system, unfortunately.  I'm just very, very glad that I was able to get custody
without any sort of a serious fight.  Now if I'd just start getting the child
support that I've been owed like forever now...  well I wouldn't be in this
situation today now, would I?

 NB> As long as you don't coddle, but do support, he should be able to learn
 NB> it just fine... You can sympathize with his feelings, but then explain
 NB> that they didn't mean it personally... it's just more a game with
 NB> them... and that it's ok to respond in kind, but not in a mean way... 

  Heh.  I try to do that, but I know that at some times I end up sliding to the
extreme of coddling now and then.  It's difficult, and every time that I
realize I'm doing it, readjusting to a newer, healthier standard, always feels
like I've become a terrible and uncaring person.  I do try to evaluate myself
on a regular basis for when things like that have to be done, though.

 NB> I don't recall quite that dynamic growing up as a child, but then I was
 NB> the oldest of 8, the first five showing up by the time I was 7... We'd
 NB> have our arguments, but in most cases, it only made us grow closer...
 NB> and of course, since I was the oldest, I was usually being held
 NB> accountable for whatever squabbling was happening, so I tended to try to
 NB> keep that sort of stuff to a minimum wherever possible...  ;)

  Yeah, I've got the only child thing going on here (for myself, as well as my
son).  I'm really good at noticing only child characteristics, and I'm starting
to be good at recognizing the 'last of the litter' characteristics, too, but
that doesn't really lead me to always identifying the behavior in myself in
such a way that would improve things in my own life early enough...  I need to
focus on that more.  Hell, today I think the first thing that I really need to
do is meditate, today.  I don't know what it is, but after I took a short nap
this morning I've been struggling really hard with slipping off of the
continental shelf off the coast of an optimistic attitude.  Everything that I
think about in my particular situation is leading me into a spiral of
hopelessness, resentment, and anger.  Even 180 seconds of good meditation will
lead me out of that, but it's always just getting the timer set that's the
hardest part of that for me...  Then I always notice afterwards that my day is
going 100x better...  If I miss it for a single day it's become picking up the
Empire State Building with one hand again, though.  :P

 NB> I'm sure you both will be learning from each other as he grows up... and
 NB> I expect that you'll have a special relationship even after he's grown
 NB> and on his own.  :)

  I very much hope so.  Seeing lots of other families and fathers with their
sons I realize how very special and unique the relationship that I have with
him is.  Every time he takes a new step on his own, I fear that it's one away
from me that won't necessarily come back in this direction.  I think that's
primarily because of how I reacted having to leave my own parents in order to
gain my own freedom, though; it's not necessarily what will happen in a
healthier dynamic.
  If my doctor would just put me back on my regular prescribed amount of ativan
again I'd be able to deal with these rare negative days a lot better.  :P

  I thank you very much for the kind words, either way.  I'm already noticing a
more positive shift in my outlook.  :)

    --Damo dice, "Perhaps today IS a good day to die!"
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