Re: support  was: Male Single Parenting - Views by Peers and Agencies
  By: Nancy Backus to Damon Getsman on Fri Jan 10 2014 21:31:52

 NB> Those sound like the type of echos I've always avoided... ;)  COOKING
 NB> and MEMORIES, where I do hang out, are much more inviting places... :)

  Yeah, it's funny how much time I wasted in areas like that when I was
younger.  Total pointless timesuck.  Now in the situation I'm at right now,
I've barely got enough free time/access to be able to get on my own system to
keep up with my RC duties and hell, I'm still a little behind.  I've stabilized
the living arrangements, even have a backup lined up, and more good things are
sure to follow.  Hopefully soon I'll be able to have enough time to sit and
rest a bit and catch up on everything that I've missed.  :)

 DG>> Interestingly enough it was my adoptive mother (the one who just a
 DG>> couple of months ago kicked my son and I out into the snow so that
 DG>> she could get her house fixed up enough to get photos of it in
 DG>> 'Victorian Living' hopefully [she doesn't understand that a 2
 DG>> bedroom, one floor starter house with spraypainted doors will never
 DG>> end up there]) who
 NB> Delusional... or at least overly optimistic...  :)

  No need for the conditional 'or' in there.  She is delusional, yes.  Her
mother died in a completely demented state (only crying or screaming, curling
up into a ball, etc), and...  Well I've written some blog posts about how I was
raised in a cult.  There is only maybe 30-45kb that I've written about that
crap sofar..  I could easily split off into a tangent about that, but I'm
feeling pretty focused this morning.  :)  Let me summarize by saying only that
at one point in my childhood, my authoritarian belt-wielding dad ended up
sticking her and I on a bus to her parents' place in Cali.  She'd been waking
up drenched in sweat, hearing Satan's voice in her head, and dreaming of
burning alive in the 'Lake of Fire' that was so touted by those abusive
jackasses.
  She's pretty much the most negative and self-centered person that I've ever
met.  I feel bad for her, and really wish I wouldn't have given her back that
check for $4000 right before she kicked my son and I out to the curb. 
Aaanyway, tangents once again threaten to drag me away.  Delusional, yeah, with
a princess complex that isn't countered by my dad's penny-pinching and
anger-fueled ways any more.
  Gahhhhhh.  Sorry.  WELL HERE'S TO LEARNING BY BAD EXAMPLE *cheers*

 NB> At least you know that the genetic seeds of that sort of thing won't
 NB> have come to you from her.  I'm sorry you had to endure that, too... 

  Whoa, when going back through the quoting text I see that I've repeated
myself with all of this wonderful and interesting speak of Satan and delusions
and the Lake of Fire.  (Hey google, link Nancy Getsman to Satan, delusions, and
the Lake of Fire for me, will ya?)
  Honestly, if somehow I would've been the same person but been the biological
spawn of those people I'd like to think that I would be honorable enough to
commit seppuku (preferably while skydiving right over their house).

 NB> Hopefully that will iron itself out... I suppose the yowling when you
 NB> aren't around could be getting on the wife's nerves... hormones can be
 NB> silly things... and some use them more as an excuse than others do...

  You would not believe the tale that I have in store for you about this
particular little nugget of information.  Hell, I might have to netmail you
some of the dox on it, as well.  That situation really went SNAFU in a way that
was soooo frigging avoidable.  :P  Thank god for helpful ex'es and biological
family, I guess?  :)

 NB> Yeah.  It can be useful to look at problems long enough to acknowledge
 NB> their existence, and to hopefully be able to see what to do about them,
 NB> but dwelling on them only makes things worse... 

  I had a really big problem with that in the first 35 years of my life.  I'm
going to have fun trying to make a difference in the next 35.  ;)

 NB> You've got more reason and motivation with him... it does make things
 NB> seem more weighty, but that's part of the balance...

  I bear that cross gladly, but when the surface beneath my feet starts
shifting, I am haunted by the potential downfalls that await.  At least, that's
how I used to look at things.  :)

 NB> Can someone help you either get the battery, or get to the plasma
 NB> bank...?  It would seem that someone should be able to see that only a
 NB> little hand up would make all the difference... but, I do know that a
 NB> lot of people expect others to pull themselves up by their bootstraps
 NB> without paying any attention to the fact that the bootstraps are
 NB> broken... 

  Heh.  Well, that can of worms can't be cracked open just yet; I have not the
time for that massive tale.  I did have to ditch my vehicle, which really
sucks.  Call me stupid, but I got attached to that thing.  I'd picked it up
right before I got my son, finally, over here where I could care for him and
give him a good environment.  When we had to hit the road due to my dad's
upcoming demise it took us 4000 miles around the US, up some backwoods hills in
Alabama, offroad.  Crossed the Rockies in it.  It was a $500 Blazer, ffs.  It's
like a good luck totem to me, I guess.  All things are transient though; such
is life & c'est a la vie.
  Oh, by the way it's quite possible that I will forget the tale that MUST be
told about the debauchery and downfall of such a good and noble man.  In case
of such an event, just tell me to tell you about the lizard.

 NB> Sounds like you are doing something right there, anyway..  :)  And he is
 NB> probably also absorbing life lessons just from the unsettledness that
 NB> you both find yourselves in...  

  I think he probably is.  I can't believe how well he's adapting.  I know that
it's causing him some duress, but he's handling it very well.  Still, I very
much want to be able to settle the eff-bomb down and let him care for some
relationships that will last for awhile.  I would've never made it past 20,
were it not for my loyal friends.  I would have died, in multiple events.

 NB> Some children are able to assimilate things easier than others... some
 NB> have to have the hard knocks, others are very tender and learn easily...
 NB> and children can be very resilient, despite whatever life tosses at
 NB> them.  Having a loving parent there to support helps a lot, no matter
 NB> what the child is or is going through...  :)

  :D  Yesterday before bed he came to me and told me that he wanted to spend
some time alone with just me.  :)  It definitely sucks that he is missing me
enough to have to ask me for time with me, but it also definitely touches my
heart that he values time with me that much.  That little man is going to be a
guy with wisdom beyond his years, I'm thinking.  Need to get him into Jedi
training.  Er, that was a joke, but after the last slum we lived in, it might
be good for us to get into Aikido as soon as possible.  Now if I could just get
a ride to the frigging workplace here...
  Alright, I'm going to be a bad buddhist, and whine just a little bit about
the fact that I sat on the misunderstanding that caused the crap at the last
place...  Just so that my friend wouldn't have more marriage problems.  What
kind of good friend understands that kind of mistake, yet still doesn't keep
his wife from kicking a guy and his son causing no harm out into the tundra in
frigging January?  He really must've gotten steamrolled in life by the Navy,
and I know for certain that his first wife still has at least one of his
testicles in her purse.  ;)  Sorry, I couldn't resist.
  I will now resume my pursuit of the peaceful, and conflict avoidant, buddhist
ways.  

 NB> Yeah, child support can be another catch-22 situation... having the cash
 NB> would have been so much easier for keeping roof over head etc...

  I really need to talk to those guys.  It'd be so nice if they'd pick up the
phone and call me back...

 NB> teaching them how to grow more mature from the situations...  Nurturing
 NB> and discipline (both teaching and consequences) are important in growing
 NB> the child into an adult...  I've seen way too many children that didn't
 NB> get the guidance they needed, in the false thinking that giving in to
 NB> their every whim will make them somehow respect you for it... and what
 NB> they grow up to be, just whiny children in adult bodies, unable to teach
 NB> their own children anything... 

  You know, that really hits a resonant note.  I'd been living in section 8
housing for 3 years, give or take, prior to this hurricane o' feces.  So maybe
that has really screwed up my perception of children; no doubt the culture and
locale of the area need to be taken into account, too.  Either which way, there
are so many single parents that I've seen lately that are just unable to
discipline their kids.  Um, bad behavior needs to have bad consequences...  Is
that a tough concept?  Maybe they spiked the dose of fluoride in the water.  :P

 NB> We ended up with an only child, not by plan but by that's all we got. 
 NB> But then he had my younger siblings to work off the rough edges on...
 NB> and lots of cousins that came along later to interact with.  My husband
 NB> is the younger of two...  Some of it is learned behavior, some is maybe
 NB> inate, but I think some things have less to do with place in family and
 NB> just with who you are and how you interact with others...  

  Back in my cult days I used to sometimes get to spend a week with a family
that was in the same cult in South Dakota, and they had 3 children.  Other than
that, all of my experiences with being a pseudo-member of a large family were
brief.  I can't imagine what it must be like to have that many people who will
actually care.  I just don't have that at all.  I'm starting to feel it out
with my sister and my nephew and niece and my biomom, but it's going a little
slow.  That's one good thing about this relocation.  I'm goin' back to my
roots.  ;)

 NB> Breaking the downward spiral of thinking is always a useful thing...
 NB> focusing off the problems to either something else, or perhaps to some
 NB> solutions that may occur to one when gets re-focused is usually the key.

  I've been doing absolutely wonderfully in this area.  :)  I've maintained a
positive focus at least 90-95% of the time.  I shifted my paradigm a little
while back, here, and I like where I shifted it to.

 NB> One can foster independence in one's child(ren) without losing the
 NB> relationship with the child... in fact, sometimes that can be the factor
 NB> that keeps the relationship solid, that the child doesn't have to fight
 NB> to get any sort of independence.  And it can be done without removing
 NB> your support of the child as well...

  This is the very tightrope that I hope to be able to navigate across. 

 NB> Pluses and minuses to meds...  :)   As long as the negative days are
 NB> rare, maybe you don't really need the med...?  Just work on other ways
 NB> to cope...?

  When I first wrote the message, I would've said I needed that med.  Now,
after the paradigm shift...  I'm pretty sure I can handle whatever life throws
at me.  :)  I'm so glad that I finally found something that works for me.

  Vaya con Dios.  (Woo I got a chance to practice my spanish last night _and_
helped a woman get herself home and out of the cold in a country where she
doesn't speak the language, good times!)

    --Damo dice, "Perhaps today IS a good day to die!"
--- SBBSecho 2.24-OpenBSD
 * Origin: TTBBS-telnet bismaninfo.hopto.org 8023 (1:14/0) (1:282/1057)