Re: Summer plans  was: shinies and sickies
  By: Nancy Backus to Damon A. Getsman on Thu Aug 06 2015 14:19:14

 NB> Somehow got ahead of myself with the last message... out of sequence...
 NB> now going back to the older packets... ;)

  I think that might've been my system's fault at this point.  I used to have a
problem where the Synchronet BBS process would jump up to 100% CPU usage, and
totally stop importing any messages to networked message areas.  My guess is
that it stopped sending outbound at the same time.  Anyway I was wondering why
things had been so quiet for a few days, took a look at the process list, saw
that was the case, and fixed it a few days ago...  So there might have been a
small deluge of messages that'd be held up on my system.
  Unless it was just an error on your part in which case shame, shame.  ;)

 NB> Tight circumstances certainly complicate financial planning, make for a
 NB> lot more juggling... ;)

  It's something I'm used to, but looking forward to giving up, while trying to
stay somewhat reasonably frugal.  Juggling is tough; I spent an entire summer
trying to teach myself to do it with balanced objects...  Financial instruments
don't balance nearly as easily.  ;)

 DAG>> of that. It's that kind of situation that makes my agoraphobic
 DAG>> tendencies flare up.
 NB> Understood... not so much an excuse as an explanation....

  Well, I perhaps overcompensate for the fact that a lot of people view these
kinds of issues as completely head games or excuses for losers/lazy people. 
The stigma with mental illness, if you want to go all out and call it that, is
heavy and burdensome.  So I try to make a little joke about it now and then to
defuse any of those pure-of-thought Sith out there who are planning on telling
me that I have a week mind and need longer bootstraps.  ;)

 NB> Becomes almost a Catch-22...  Another reason for somehow managing to get
 NB> that inner balance stabilized, so that circumstances don't knock you off
 NB> center so easily...

  It does very easily.  I've fallen out of habit with running and meditating
again lately, too (medication went into flux for a few days).  Hell, it got
stressful enough from the med flux that I actually picked up smoking for a
little bit again, too.  :(  Those catch-22s are horribly easy to fall back
into; I hang onto that stability like it's the last warm piece of wreckage from
the titanic when I can.  I just wish the VA would find some more reliable, and
less down-to-the-minute way to send my medications, so that if something does
go wrong, I don't have to go all up and down the taper again and deal with The
Fears during the time my brain is resetting.

 NB> So it's mostly the getting there, but also a little of the "new people
 NB> to deal with" that holds you back...?

  That pretty much sums it up, yeah.

 NB> And learning to work through the agoraphobia is a very good exercise. :)
 NB> The knitting could be useful, too... ;)   And having something to keep
 NB> your mind and fingers occupied can get the mind off the fears as well...

  'Tis one of the reasons that I picked up making hemp necklaces and bracelets.
I think it'll be very good for the same things.  :)  Plus it's always nice to
have hobbies where you can put actual effort into gifts for friends or loved
ones, instead of just picking up crap.  Unless, of course, they have a specific
need for aforementioned crap, or a piece of crap that they've very much been
coveting for some time.  Anyway, you catch my drift I'm sure. 
 
 NB> Bravo on the accomplishment... :)  Keep that in mind to balance out the
 NB> insecurities that are sure to arise again...  :)  A few more triumphs
 NB> like that, and maybe you can dispel the naysayers in your mind...  :)

  Well...  Things didn't go exactly as they had seemed at first, actually. 
There've been some more minor triumphs, and some big quagmires...  I think I
need a few more nice big triumphs before I'll be totally secure with this.  I
got a call from my contract holder the other day and I was FREAKED OUT because
this marketing person has picked me as her target because she doesn't
understand tech and....  I guess she scheduled me for a phone call with another
marketer (who was supposed to be answering code-level questions for me-- yeah
right), and then never told me about it, never got my RSVP of 'No' sent several
hours early, and didn't get the email that I sent about not going for the
pointless and expensive (for them) phone call.  So needless to say she was
pissed with me and 'filed a grievance'.  Luckily, my contract holder kind of
hates her, and has my back (and that of my teammate).  He even put some new
rules in place about stupid crap like that in order to avoid future
frustration, and thanked us for putting up with their crap.
  So while I'm not as secure as I was there for a bit, I'm doing better with it
again.  God the workplace drama.  I'm so glad I'm working from home; though it
might help better with strategy to see that marketer in person so that I could
figure out better how to negate the roadblocks that she throws up.
  Eh, well, life goes on.  Work's been keeping me busy as hell lately.  And,
well, med flux has been screwing me up to the point where I can't concentrate
on emails very well (or haven't been able to until today), so I've
procrastinated like crazy.  I think I've got at least a dozen more messages
hanging around in different places right now.
  !Viva las cartas!

  -D
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