Hello Steve.

10 Apr 16 08:56, Ruben Figueroa wrote to you:

 SW>> I have recently connected with my 18 year old daughter. We
 SW>> haven't seen each other since she was 8 years old. I'm finding
 SW>> myself in "Un-Charted Waters". Do I act like her father? A
 SW>> friend? Her uncle? What? I don't know much about her so I don't
 SW>> want to overwhelm her with questions. How should I procede? Any
 SW>> advice would be greatly

 RF> Never been in those shoes.  But I will give you what I think.

I have been in those shoes several times in my life. I have found
several of my children after 20-30 years of not seeing them or knowing
how or where they were. Several were about five years old the last time
I saw them.


 RF> 1. You have not been involved in her life as her dad, but you are
 RF> genetically.

This is true.

 RF> 2. Since you haven't been, then talk to her as another adult

Yes, you are her father. But don't automatically assume that there will
be a normal father-daughter bond or relationship. Your first impulse might
be to smother her with all the feelings and emotions that you have stored up
inside. I KNOW that feeling and I know that it might be hard to resist but
try not to overwhelm her.

 RF> 3. Only offer guidance, advice and opinions when she asks is receptive
 RF> to that and you will know because she will prompt you

Talk to her. Show your interest in her and her life. But respect her and
the thoughts and the feelings that she has about life and about you.

 RF> 4. Be there for here as any adult with someone they care about and
 RF> make sure to listen and refrain from trying to fix anything

Be there for her to talk to or see. In many ways you and her are strangers
to each other. It will take time to build a relationship that is acceptable
to you both. Be willing to accept that your relationship with your daughter
might not end up being exactly what you wanted it to be.

 RF> 5. Treat her like a new friend that you want to be on better terms
 RF> with Last of all do not set any rules, but you can set boundaries
 RF> (what/how you live your life and what you will or definitely will not
 RF> do)

Setting minimum and/or maximum limits on the type of relationship that
you want with her is only likely to push her away. You may not have your
own limits on what you are willing to do for her. But you need to set limits
on what you will actually do. It is important to be honest with her when
talking to her.


 RF> Don't know if this is any good.  I imagine over time with the
 RF> development of your relationship with her you can development a
 RF> structure of father and daughter wherein she recoginizes you as such.
 RF> But she has to acknowledge that role, you can't impose it.

True. Again the relationshp that you and her end up having has to be based
on honest feelings that both of you have for each other. Regardless of how
deep or complete that relationship actually turns out to be.

My relationship with one son that I haven't seen in in over 30 years is
starting
to grow nicely. While my relationship with another son after not seeing him for
25 years has reached a point that is not nearly as close as _I_ would like it
to be. But it is a relationship that we both can accept. They both know that I
have
both an ear and a shoulder for them if they ever should need one.

 RF> Best wishes.

 RF> -*- Open!EDIT v0.99k+
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 RF>  * Origin: EZY Prison Board (1:124/5014.1)

Jeff

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