MSGID: 1:135/250@fidonet 69365ccf
PID: C-NET AMIGA BBS 5.36b
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

ARRL DECLARES SEX A CATEGORY ONE QRM TO AMATEUR RADIOS FUTURE

NEWINGTON, CT  In an emergency bulletin that has left the amateur radio world
simultaneously baffled and reaching for their fan-cooled finals, the American
Radio Relay League (ARRL) has issued a stark warning to the nation: the act of
sexual intercourse is the single greatest threat to the hobbys survival.

The statement, titled Preserving Bandwidth: A Call to Chastity for Continuity,
argues that the hormonal distractions of young adulthood are directly
responsible for a catastrophic drop in new license applications. For decades,
a young mans natural progression was from crystal radio to Novice ticket, to
finding a rare DX entity on 20 meters, said Hiram P. Wattage, ARRL Vice
President of Propriety. Now, we see them pursuing other entities. Theyre
engaging in off-band activities that provide no utility to emergency
communication networks whatsoever.

The ARRLs proposed solution is a historic, multi-pronged alliance with
institutions they have traditionally viewed with suspicion. We must look to
our shared values, the bulletin continues. We call upon the Church to renew
its emphasis on pre-marital chastity, not merely for spiritual reasons, but
for the health of the 70cm band. We urge local governments to sponsor Its Okay
to Be a Virgin (VE) programs in high schools, redirecting adolescent energy
toward soldering and log-keeping.

Reaction from the amateur community has been mixed. Ive been a contester for
40 years, said longtime operator Lightning Larry from his shack in Dayton. My
YL [wife] has always been understanding, mostly because Im down here and shes
upstairs. This seems like overreach. Besides, the birth of my son gave me a
reason to build a new Elmer station.

Social scientists are perplexed. Dr. Anya Hertz of the Institute for Modern
Living stated, Theyve incorrectly correlated two data points. The decline in
ham radio is due to smartphones, video games, and the internet offering
instant gratification. Sex, frankly, has been around longer than Morse code.
Blaming it is like blaming solar flares for your failing marriage.

Undeterred, the ARRL is rolling out a new public service campaign. Posters
featuring a forlorn-looking young man staring at a disconnected mic, with a
shadowy female figure in the doorway, will be distributed to hamfests
nationwide. The tagline reads: DONT LET THE RAG CHEW BECOME A PILLOW TALK.
STAY ON FREQUENCY.

A proposed new license endorsement, the Celibacy Plus or C+, which would grant
extra privileges on digital modes, is currently under review by the FCC, who
have so far only responded with a lengthy string of question marks in official
correspondence.

The League is also revising its licensing manuals. The 2025 edition will
reportedly replace the standard photo of a smiling multi-op station with a
stark, black-and-white image of a monk copying CW in a spartan cell. A new
chapter, Managing Biological Interference, will cover cold showers, the
antenna-building benefits of excess energy, and the importance of keeping your
vertical radiator properly grounded in a non-metaphorical sense.

At press time, Wattage was reportedly drafting a follow-up memo exploring the
debilitating effects of romantic hand-holding on fine motor skills required
for surface-mount soldering.

Rug Rat (Brent Hendricks)
Blog and Forums  - www.catracing.org
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