XPost: az.general, az.politics   
   From: michelle@michelle.org   
      
   Begin forwarded message:   
                 Courtesy Jonathon Sharkey    Jonathon ³The Impaler²   
   Sharkey poses with his cloak and impaler.  While the 2008 presidential   
   race is quickly shaping up to be a historic one with Sen. Hilary Clinton   
   (D-N.Y.) vying to be the first female president and Sen. Barack Obama   
   (D-Ill.) potentially becoming the first black president, another   
   candidate is attempting to break new ground by trying to become the   
   nation¹s first satanic vampire president.   
     Jonathon ³the Impaler² Sharkey, a 42-year-old resident of Union   
   County, N.J., has flown into the 2008 presidential race under the   
   Vampire, Witches and Pagan Party, a political organization he created in   
   September 2005 right before his unsuccessful run for governor of   
   Minnesota in 2006. It¹s the subject of a documentary, Impaler, which   
   will make its debut at the Byron Bay Film Festival in Australia on Feb.   
   16.   
     With his 19-year-old wife Spree by his side, Sharkey has taken firm   
   positions on such issues as increasing the quality of education,   
   allowing same-sex marriages, withdrawing American troops from Iraq and   
   creating affordable healthcare, but none of his platforms has generated   
   as much media and Internet buzz as his stance on, well, impalement.   
     Sharkey wants to instill fear into terrorists, drunk drivers, sex   
   offenders and pedophiles with his homemade eight-foot-long wooden   
   impaling stake, which he said is so sharp that ³if you tap it with the   
   point of your finger, you¹re going to bleed.²   
     If he succeeds in winning the presidential race, Sharkey said one of   
   the first people he¹d impale would be Bears quarterback Rex Grossman.   
   Also on his impalement list are President George W. Bush, Osama bin   
   Laden, Vice President Dick Cheney, O.J. Simpson and Fidel Castro, among   
   many others.   
     The Chronicle talked to Sharkey about the art of impalement and   
   discovered he is a proud father-to-be. His wife, a diabetic and aspiring   
   boxer, fainted while training for her first boxing match. She was taken   
   to a local hospital, where doctors performed a number of tests.   
     ³One came back positive,² Sharkey said. The baby is expected to be   
   born in October, hopefully around Halloween.   
      
     Chronicle: In addition to running for president, you were once a boxer   
   and a wrestler?   
      
     Jonathon: I ended up retiring from boxing, but I¹m getting back into   
   it mainly because of Spree. Plus, on my website and all the interviews   
   I¹ve done over the past year, I¹ve flat out said, ³When I¹m president,   
   terrorists and criminals are going to fear me.²   
     Well, every president preceding me has said that too. But as you can   
   see with President Bush, terrorists mock him, but if you¹re a terrorist   
   or a criminal and you¹re seeing me knocking out people like I used to,   
   you¹re going to say, ³Yeah, this president is saying he could beat us   
   up, and from what we can see in the ring, he can do it.²   
      
     You also mention on your website that you want to instill fear into   
   terrorists and criminals by impaling them on the front lawn of the White   
   House. How do you plan on doing that?   
      
     My impaling stake will actually be rammed through somebody. Depending   
   on their crime, I would either run it through their kidneys or straight   
   through their abdomen, which would be a quick but painful death.   
     If it were somebody I planned on torturing‹like if we got ahold of   
   terrorists‹I would impale them through the back but not through any   
   vital organs. While they are hung up on it‹impaled‹I would proceed to   
   dismember them and torture them and eventually decapitate them.   
      
     How did you come up with the concept for your impaling stake?   
      
     My concept with the impaling stake comes from Vlad Tepes, also known   
   as Dracula and Vlad the Impaler. The problem he had was if he impaled   
   someone with his wooden stakes or metal stakes, they would slide down,   
   and it would get the full effect. If they slide down, they would be able   
   to put their legs down. They would still die but it wouldn¹t be as   
   painful.   
     With my impaling stake, if they slide down two-and-a-half feet the   
   spikes get them. They¹re not going anywhere else.   
      
     Have you impaled anyone?   
      
     No comment.   
      
     Why is that?   
      
     You¹ve got to remember that Bush does not like me. So I¹m not going to   
   fully admit to doing something. What I will say is that, with the coven   
   that I co-own with the Satanic Church, it¹s in the bylaws that if any   
   member violates what I consider to be impaleable offenses, they will be   
   impaled.   
      
     What are impaleable offenses?   
      
     If they get caught molesting a child, raping a woman, [committing]   
   acts of terrorism, use of or selling of hardcore drugs and committing an   
   act of DUI where someone has been injured or killed.   
     I give a whole new meaning to the term ³three strikes and you¹re out.²   
   After your third conviction of DUI, you¹re getting impaled because   
   you¹re taking away the lives of innocent people and putting innocent   
   people in jeopardy.   
     When I used to live in Indianapolis, I was involved with MADD Indiana.   
   I was a part of their public policy board, mainly because I have a   
   paralegal degree and I was politically active. I wrote a law on my own   
   that made it twice to the Indiana State Senate floor in 2002 and 2003,   
   and the liquor lobbyist got it shot down. The law was calling for   
   harsher penalties if someone ended up being caught driving under the   
   influence in a school zone.   
     It bothers me that the liquor industry and their lobbyists feel it¹s   
   better to allow people to endanger innocent lives than to protect   
   innocent people. As president, that¹s one thing I will not tolerate.   
   I¹ve been a victim of a drunk driver and I will not tolerate such   
   danger.   
               Josh Covarrubias / The Chronicle  Ironically, my wife¹s   
   mother was convicted of DUI about seven years ago. I¹ve already told   
   her, ³This is one conviction. If you ever get two more, I don¹t care if   
   you¹re my mother-in-law or not, I will impale you.²   
     What does you wife say to that?   
      
     Of course, it being her mother, she really didn¹t like it. She still   
   has to be talked to and she gives me the evil eye. But knowing that she   
   will be the first lady of the country, she understands that I shouldn¹t   
   be showing favoritism. She¹s pretty much had a nice long, talk with her   
   mother. One time, when her mother was inebriated, she drove her mother   
   home to avoid the chance of her mother getting busted. My wife did the   
   perfect thing. I just want people to drink responsibly.   
     How have you been affected by drunk driving and alcoholism?   
      
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)