From: djheydt@kithrup.com   
      
   In article <63ncr99kfp4dd3jc2fbdprf76n7u54gdt2@4ax.com>,   
   Jymesion   wrote:   
   >Odd idea for a story. Turning out even odder because I need   
   >constructions outside my experience.   
   >   
   >I'm not sure if this is the right punctuation:   
   >   
   >"I called myself 'Phoebe,' but I don't think that was really my name.   
   >There was a cartoon with a little girl called Phoebe. I remember   
   >identifying with her a lot."   
   >   
   >Should there be colons before the Phoebes?   
      
   No.   
      
   >Should the first be in single quotes? The second?   
      
   If you're British.  If you're American, the primary quotation   
   marks are double, the secondary (inside the primary, as 'Phoebe')   
   single.  If British, the other way around.   
      
   >Did I mess this up horribly?   
      
   Nope.  You're fine, assuming you're American.   
      
   /looks at your domain name   
      
   I can't tell which you are from that.   
   >   
   >I don't know the proper way to phrase this:   
   >   
   >As she shook her head, her hair, if it had been there, would have   
   >fallen across her face.   
      
   It's a little awkward.  Try "She shook her head so vigorously   
   that if she had had hair, it would have fallen across her face."   
      
   >The construction would be:   
   >   
   >As she shook her head, her hair fell across her face.   
   >   
   >The parenthetical expression "if she had been there" shouldn't change   
   >that. But:   
   >   
   >As she shook her head, her hair, if it had been there, fell across her   
   >face.   
   >   
   >just doesn't scan.   
      
   No, you've got a condition-contrary-to-fact in "if it had been   
   there" (supply: but it wasn't) "would have fallen" (conditional).   
      
   Such a construction is easier in languages that still have a   
   subjunctive.   
   >   
   >I've tried rebuilding the sentence from scratch, but nothing I come up   
   >with works. They either don't carry the gist or are too long, too   
   >wordy for a line of atmosphere.   
   >   
   >Can anyone help?   
      
   Well, I've tried.  See if what I did works with you.   
      
   --   
   Dorothy J. Heydt   
   Vallejo, California   
   djheydt at gmail dot com   
   Should you wish to email me, you'd better use the gmail edress.   
   Kithrup's all spammy and hotmail's been hacked.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)