From: b.scott@csuohio.edu   
      
   On Sat, 23 Aug 2014 01:20:45 -0700 (PDT), Nicky   
    wrote in   
      
   in rec.arts.sf.composition:   
      
   > On Saturday, August 23, 2014 3:02:34 AM UTC+1, J.Pascal wrote:   
      
   >> The revision...  better?  worse?  pointless?   
      
   I’m going to piggyback on Nicky’s post so that I can combine   
   a few direct comments with some opinions different from   
   hers.   
      
   >> The spell itself informed her.  The magic wove through   
   >> Eileen with tendrils of dreamlike meaning. "You are   
   >> summoned. We have summoned you. You are a demon, bound   
   >> to us and our cause."   
      
   > I like tendrils of dreamlike meaning, but it is hard to   
   > understand - maybe 'tendrils of magic wove through   
   > Eileen' and separate out the bit about meaning.   
      
   I think that the tendrils of dreamlike meaning are all that   
   she actually perceives of the spell.  How about this?   
      
      Knowledge of a sort came with the spell itself.  The   
      magic wound through Eileen in tendrils of dreamlike   
      meaning.   
      
   > How does she apprehend the meaning? Is this a dream or is   
   > she really there?   
      
   Not a problem for me: I don’t need an answer yet.   
      
   >> She expected to see pentagrams and candles when she   
   >> opened her eyes if she dreamed, or the ceiling of her   
   >> darkened room if she woke.  Instead, Eileen opened her   
   >> eyes and saw a bowl.   
      
   > This clarifies the above to some extent and I think it   
   > works but the last bit might suggest that she saw an   
   > ordinary bowl rather than that she was in one?   
      
   Doesn’t matter: that misapprehension would be corrected   
   immediately in the next sentence.   
      
   >> She stood in the bottom of a perfect half sphere large   
   >> enough and deep enough that her head came only halfway   
   >> to the lip. Voices and murmurings came from above, proof   
   >> that there were people just beyond her sight. She knew   
   >> their fear and could sense their meaning, though she   
   >> knew none of the words.   
      
   > I think this works much better and places her securely in   
   > a situation.   
      
   >> "Summoned. You must serve us."   
      
   >> The bowl was made of fitted and polished white marble   
   >> twined with threads of moss green. Rivulets of crimson   
   >> tricked down shallow gold-lined channels to pool at her   
   >> feet and between her toes. Eileen stood in a small but   
   >> slowly growing puddle of blood.   
      
   > I don't know why you need 'fitted' and 'twined' suggests   
   > something external - do you mean the marble was veined   
   > with green or that it is actual moss? It might be clearer   
   > to mention the gold lined channels before the blood just   
   > because it is more logical to describe the channels in   
   > the marble along with the marble itself but it works fine   
   > as it is and might be more dramatic that way.   
      
   ‘Fitted’ tells me that the bowl is not carved from a single   
   large block, but rather is made of smaller pieces that have   
   been fitted together.  I suspect that ‘twined’ should really   
   be ‘veined’.  I think that the order given here works: it   
   follows the order in which she would be likely to notice   
   things.   
      
   >> She screamed and scrambled away from the pool but the   
   >> sides of the bowl were smooth and her feet were slick   
   >> with the blood. She fell. Screaming and sobbing she   
   >> tried again and again to escape the bowl. Again and   
   >> again she slipped and fell until she was covered with   
   >> the blood. Finally she stopped trying to climb and   
   >> stood, trembling, in the lowest spot.   
      
   > This bit is really clear - maybe more detail about the   
   > first attempt so that the generalisation follows a more   
   > complete experience otherwise it is a tiny bit cursory   
   > and I'd like to see how hard she tried. Could she not   
   > pull herself over the lip using her arms - that seems as   
   > if it might be possible from the initial description.   
      
   No.  To keep the numbers simple, suppose that she’s five   
   feet tall.  Then the bowl is a hemisphere with a radius of   
   ten feet, and its rim is a circle with a ten foot radius.   
   When she stands upright at the bottom of the bowl, the   
   straight-line distance from the top of her head to any point   
   on the rim is a little over 11 ft. 2 in.  The straight-line   
   distance from her feet to any point on the rim is a little   
   under 14 ft. 2 in., and the distance along the surface of   
   the bowl is about 15 ft. 8.5 in.  With blood already on her   
   feet, I don’t see how she could possible run far enough up   
   the smooth sides of the bowl to reach the rim, even with her   
   arms at full stretch.   
      
   Basically she’s just thrashing uselessly; for me any further   
   description would most likely be overkill.   
      
   > The summary works of course if you want this section to be   
   > brief and dreamlike : )   
      
   >> The voices droned on. She pushed sopping hair from her   
   >> face. One channel remained dry above the blood she had   
   >> splashed in her panic.  Even as she watched she saw the   
   >> first red drop begin to flow.   
      
   > I wondered why her hair was sopping - sweat, blood, rain?   
      
   If I had to guess, a combination of blood and sweat, but I   
   agree that it’s not clear.   
      
   > I'm not getting the channel arrangement so it might have   
   > helped to know earlier how many bisected the marble and   
   > how many were bloody.   
      
   They run straight down from the rim to the centre.  I’d   
   guess that they’re regularly spaced around the rim, and that   
   their number is magically significant, but I’ve no real   
   sense of how many there might be, save that I’d expect at   
   least four and probably no more than eight, unless they go   
   in for sacrifices à la Aztec.   
      
   >> The spell informed her.   
      
   > I kind of want the spell informed her understanding here   
   > for sense if not for drama otherwise 'informed' is an   
   > oddly businesslike word .   
      
   Unless it means that the spell was shaping her in some way,   
   but the next bit suggests that the more common meaning was   
   indeed intended, as does the earlier mention of ‘tendrils of   
   dreamlike meaning’.   
      
   >> A mindless demon is of no use to anyone. The spell   
   >> informed her and she knew that the last sacrifice had   
   >> been made and the spell complete.   
      
   Should be either ‘had been made and the spell completed’ or   
   ‘had been made, and the spell was complete’.   
      
   > I'm not sure why she would be mindless unless this is an   
   > implicit threat in which case I'm a bit thick.   
      
   I wonder if the idea here is not that she’s being given (or   
   allowed to keep) her mind, but rather that she’s being given   
   information that someone considers necessary for a bound   
   demon to have.  In conjunction with the change that I   
   suggested for the opening paragraph I think that I might   
   simply drop the one-line paragraph and the ‘mindless’   
   sentence and write:   
      
      Knowledge came with the spell.  She knew that the   
      last sacrifice had been made and the spell complete.   
      
   >> Eileen stood still in hope that it would delay them if   
   >> she did not stir the blood. It didn't delay anything. As   
   >> soon as the droplet of blood reached the puddle where   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
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