From: mdhangton@gmail.com   
      
   J.Pascal explained on 12/28/2014 :   
   > On Sunday, December 28, 2014 4:14:31 PM UTC-7, William Vetter wrote:   
   >> J.Pascal laid this down on his screen : (...)   
   >>>   
   >>> First sentences from some of my stories, no claim if they're good "hooks"   
   >>> or  not.  (And I invite anyone to discuss them, if they "do the job"   
   >>> they're  supposed to do and why, and I've published nothing, so there you   
   >>> go.)   
   >>>   
   >> Who is to say what good the first sentence does without the first   
   >> paragraph, and I don't know what you're trying to do with them, but I   
   >> shall give my initial reactions below....   
   >>   
   >> They are not to say that they are bad first sentences, but to say what   
   >> they apparently do.  Or maybe to suggest a way to do it more.   
   >   
   > Since my thesis is that the perfect first sentence is a bug-a-boo designed to   
   > block new writers,   
      
   Perfect first sentence and strong first sentence (or paragraph or   
   opening) are two different things.  I already said the guy who thought   
   mentioning JFK in the first sentence was gonna sell the manuscript was   
   goofy.   
      
   > don't take my comments as argument with yours.  I do think   
   > there is more in some of them, though.   
      
      
   >>   
   >>> 1) "I've had the most curious daydream," Kiralee said as Mark lowered   
   >>> himself  onto the springy grass next to her.   
   >>>   
   >> This says what follows will be the description of a dream.  It doesn't   
   >> do anything else.   
   >   
   > The story is about Kiralee and Mark and things that are real and not-real.   
   >   
   >>> 2) It was Tuesday and the cafeteria was serving fish balls and rice.   
   >>>   
   >> This suggests a routine, perhaps that the setting is Asian; and doesn't   
   >> do much more.   
   >   
   > It might be a small thing, but a setting where people eat in a cafeteria is   
   > industrial or institutional... different than one where they make their own   
   > food or grab a hotdog from a stand.  Of course the routine is about to be   
   > disrupted.  I'm not sure if that is implied or not.   
   >   
   >>   
   >>> 3) Iemar's room was a small one with a narrow bed and single window and   
   >>> hardly room to walk between them.   
   >>>   
   >> This describes a blank setting.  Some people say that this is the   
   >> author staring at a blank sheet of paper; whether or not this is so,   
   >> you should consider the possibility that a slush reader would see it   
   >> that way.   
   >   
   > Poor. Underclass. No?  It's not a blank room, it's tiny and unadorned.   
   > I   
   > think that the next line is something about worn/frayed maps spilling from a   
   > tiny table. The one after that is that she's sleeping in the daytime in her   
   > steel toed work boots.  I'll admit that the action doesn't start until the   
   > fourth sentence though. ;)   
   >   
   >>> 4) Sirs Tissleman and Jonchil sat carefully unmoving in their chairs.   
   >>>   
   >> With no previous info about the tableau, as a first line it only shows   
   >> no activity.   
   >   
   > No one likes this opening.  I do think that "carefully unmoving" is different   
   > from no activity.  They are taking great care not to move.   
      
   Because it's first sentence, there is no info yet to tell us there is   
   tension implied in people sitting still.   
      
   > It is a tableau   
   > and meant to feel like one.  The only thing moving is blood on the floor.   
   > But, as I said, no one likes this opening.  It's stiff.  Complaining that   
   > it's supposed to be stiff is what authors are NOT supposed to do.   
   >   
   >>   
   >>> 5)   Amongst the muttering in the air lock Dae'Neal thought he heard the   
   >>> phrase "Captain's brat."   
   >>>   
   >> Maybe if _Captain's brat_ were replaced with catamite, it would suggest   
   >> greater hostility toward the POV character.   
   >   
   > And the 97% of readers who have not a clue what "catamite" means?  Except   
   > that Dae'Neal is the Captain's son, so that would be super gross.   
   >   
   If I chose to write _catamite_, it would be a lewd sailor's remark   
   about a cabin boy.  I was groping for something harsher.   
      
   >>> 6) The first breath of unfiltered planetary air reeks of green, of animal   
   >>> shit, and of decay.   
   >>>   
   >> Ah, you know, if you stand beside a stable's manure pile after it   
   >> rains, one smell will dominate.   
   >   
   > If you stand beside a stable's manure pile often, it ceases to stink at all.   
   >   
   >>   
   >> Once upon a time, I saw somebody's manuscript.  The first sentence had   
   >> three different metaphors about the colorful appearance of a sunset   
   >> (one of them was a thrush's belly probably, but I can't remember).  It   
   >> was very skillful, and that sort of thing is a talent I probably don't   
   >> have.  I told the guy to pick one.   
   >>   
   >>> 7) The reason that wizard's towers are out in the middle of nowhere is to   
   >>> protect normal people from the wizards.   
   >>>   
   >> First, the apostrophe should come at the end of _wizard's_.   
   >   
   > Ack!   
   >   
   I hope you know about such things.  I think that I can say with   
   confidence that the 1st sentence isn't a good place to make such a   
   mistake.   
      
   >> _normal_ people suggests that wizards are abnormal.  If _normal_ were   
   >> replaced with _sane_, then it would suggest that the POV character had   
   >> stronger emotions toward wizards.   
   >   
   > Normal is sort of soft, but it doesn't mean the same thing as sane.  And of   
   > course wizards are abnormal... they can do magic.  I could say "mundane"   
   > people, but I don't like that in this case.   
   >   
   I looked at these examples as first sentences.  I don't know what you   
   were trying to do, and I don't know what stories they began.   
      
   If you want a stronger first sentence, you can change a story somewhat,   
   change a character somewhat.  If the character is given to rather   
   strong emotions or is driven, you can write stronger.  Some driven   
   characters were Humbert Humbert, Oskar Schindler, Arkady Renko.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)