From: b.scott@csuohio.edu   
      
   On Sun, 28 Dec 2014 18:54:44 -0800 (PST), "J.Pascal"   
    wrote in   
      
   in rec.arts.sf.composition:   
      
   > On Sunday, December 28, 2014 4:14:31 PM UTC-7, William   
   > Vetter wrote:   
      
   >> J.Pascal laid this down on his screen :   
      
   > (...)   
      
   >>> First sentences from some of my stories, no claim if   
   >>> they're good "hooks" or not.  (And I invite anyone to   
   >>> discuss them, if they "do the job" they're supposed to   
   >>> do and why, and I've published nothing, so there you   
   >>> go.)   
      
   [...]   
      
   >>> 1) "I've had the most curious daydream," Kiralee said as   
   >>> Mark lowered himself onto the springy grass next to   
   >>> her.   
      
   >> This says what follows will be the description of a   
   >> dream.  It doesn't do anything else.   
      
   What follows need not be the description of a dream, though   
   it does seem likely that such a recounting will soon occur.   
   It does indicate that Kiralee and Mark are probably at least   
   good friends.   
      
   > The story is about Kiralee and Mark and things that are   
   > real and not-real.   
      
   >>> 2) It was Tuesday and the cafeteria was serving fish   
   >>> balls and rice.   
      
   >> This suggests a routine, perhaps that the setting is   
   >> Asian; and doesn't do much more.   
      
   > It might be a small thing, but a setting where people eat   
   > in a cafeteria is industrial or institutional...   
   > different than one where they make their own food or grab   
   > a hotdog from a stand.  Of course the routine is about to   
   > be disrupted.  I'm not sure if that is implied or not.   
      
   I’d say not.   
      
   >>> 3) Iemar's room was a small one with a narrow bed and   
   >>> single window and hardly room to walk between them.   
      
   >> This describes a blank setting.  Some people say that   
   >> this is the author staring at a blank sheet of paper;   
   >> whether or not this is so, you should consider the   
   >> possibility that a slush reader would see it that way.   
      
   > Poor. Underclass. No?   
      
   Quite likely, but not necessarily.  She could, for instance,   
   be a resident in a school or other institution that   
   encourages or requires a no-frills lifestyle.  However, I   
   quite agree with you that it’s not at all a blank setting.   
      
   [...]   
      
   >>> 4) Sirs Tissleman and Jonchil sat carefully unmoving in   
   >>> their chairs.   
      
   >> With no previous info about the tableau, as a first line   
   >> it only shows no activity.   
      
   > No one likes this opening.   
      
   I’ve no objection to it.   
      
   > I do think that "carefully unmoving" is different from no   
   > activity.   
      
   Very different.   
      
   > They are taking great care not to move.  It is a tableau   
   > and meant to feel like one.  The only thing moving is   
   > blood on the floor.  But, as I said, no one likes this   
   > opening.  It's stiff.  Complaining that it's supposed to   
   > be stiff is what authors are NOT supposed to do.   
      
   I see absolutely nothing wrong with it.  It’s not stiff:   
   Tissleman and Jonchil are stiff!   
      
   >>> 5)   Amongst the muttering in the air lock Dae'Neal   
   >>> thought he heard the phrase "Captain's brat."   
      
   I find ‘Amidst’ preferable to ‘Amongst’ in this context: the   
   latter suggests location within a group of discrete objects.   
      
   >> Maybe if _Captain's brat_ were replaced with catamite, it   
   >> would suggest greater hostility toward the POV   
   >> character.   
      
   > And the 97% of readers who have not a clue what "catamite"   
   > means?   
      
   Their tough luck, if that were actually what was intended   
   here, but that seemed unlikely even before I read this:   
      
   > Except that Dae'Neal is the Captain's son, so that would   
   > be super gross.   
      
   [...]   
      
   >>> 7) The reason that wizard's towers are out in the middle   
   >>> of nowhere is to protect normal people from the   
   >>> wizards.   
      
   >> First, the apostrophe should come at the end of _wizard's_.   
      
   > Ack!   
      
   >> _normal_ people suggests that wizards are abnormal.  If   
   >> _normal_ were replaced with _sane_, then it would   
   >> suggest that the POV character had stronger emotions   
   >> toward wizards.   
      
   > Normal is sort of soft, but it doesn't mean the same thing   
   > as sane.  And of course wizards are abnormal... they can   
   > do magic.  I could say "mundane" people, but I don't like   
   > that in this case.   
      
   You could simply write ‘is to protect everyone else’.  Or   
   ‘is to protect everyone else from them’, though I think that   
   the shorter version is actually more effective.   
      
   [...]   
      
   Brian   
   --   
   It was the neap tide, when the baga venture out of their   
   holes to root for sandtatties.  The waves whispered   
   rhythmically over the packed sand: haggisss, haggisss,   
   haggisss.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)