From: mbottorff@lshelby.com
Jim Hetley wrote:
> > Do you think it's more accessible to the reader if the last line is
> > changed to:
> >
> > "He's right," Miller said, "that's what you say to a girl,"
> > because he had sort of called the kid Miss.
I find this addition bit awkward, somehow.
I don't think I'm happy with either the placement or the phrasing.
"...sort of called the kid [specific word]" just seems problematical.
Did he call the kid 'Miss' or not?
I'm guessing a translation including 'Miss' wouldn't be very literal?
If only one word is wrong, could you say:
"He's right," Miller said. "xxx is what you say to a girl, you should
have used xxx instead," or something of the sort?
Also, if you have the translation as part of the third person narration,
I think it really ought to go immediately following the foriegn words.
He turned to back to the kid. "Ko thane la zee?" Which means, roughly,
"...."
It just feels more natural to me to have it right away. Explaining the
response with a semi-translation but not the original phrase just seems
off somehow. IMHO.
> I'd like more of a translation, perhaps Miller mocking the journalist with
> the literal version.
I don't mind not getting any translation myself. The original worked
fine for me except that I wasn't sure immediately how to assign the
"that" in "That's what you say to a girl." I floundered a bit trying
to connect it up.
"You said that like you were talking to a girl," would have been much
clearer.
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