XPost: alt.arts.poetry.comments, alt.poetry   
   From: renayspam@yahoo.com   
      
   "Will Dockery"  wrote in message   
   news:1109511952.043124.276900@l41g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...   
      
   >> Sorry, I dropped to my knees, literally, laffing, at this CatShit   
   > below.   
   >>   
      
   nice job leaving the dates out again, Drunkery!   
      
   okay, class, let's begin. below is a "poem"   
   obviously, if it was worth saving I'd have   
   rewritten it once I got a better handle and   
   some education on what poetry is. (NOTE:   
   it's not about heart, soul, etc.) so together let's   
   see what we can salvage. if not, let's simply   
   figure out where it all went so terribly wrong.   
      
   (this exercise is not for Drunkery. first of all,   
   he's not bright enough to get anything out of   
   it. second, this has only reappeared because   
   he's been so terribly wounded and this is his   
   last gasp.)   
      
      
   >>   
   >>  it don't hurt   
   >>   
   >>  she ain't hurt, that's what my grandpa said   
   >>  after I fell off the tractor   
   >>  she ain't hurt - and I wasn't   
   >>  grandma made me come in the house anyway   
      
   first of all, there are too many words up there.   
   it interferes w/any possible rhythm. every extra   
   syllable has to go.   
      
       she ain't hurt, my grandpa said   
       when I fell off the tractor.   
      
   next, the - is a personal affectation   
   that is distracting to those who actually   
   know what a - and -- are for.   
      
   she ain't hurt - and I wasn't   
      
   I snipped too far. something about   
   going in the house.   
      
   >>  mother told me, that don't hurt   
   >>  when she slapped me for sassing her   
   >>  it didn't hurt much   
   >>  her aim is bad   
      
   cute hook, but the colloquial language is   
   too much. it didn't work even back then.   
   and THERE ARE TOO MANY WORDS.   
      
   >>   
   >>  once, in a motorcycle wreck,   
   >>  I scraped some leather off my riding jacket   
   >>  bruised my hip   
   >>  but the bike got hurt worse   
      
   the entire stanza is unnecessary. person to person   
   hurt is interrupted by machine to person hurt.   
   it's distracting. again, there are way too many words.   
      
   >>  I used to have a man around who'd hurt my feelings   
   >>  I even let him hit me sometimes   
   >>  his aim was better than mother's   
   >>  but he don't me hurt no more   
      
   geezus. bad country song. "staaaaaaand by your man...."   
   blech. there's got to be a better way to introduce this.   
   one that doesn't hit the reader over the head.   
   >>   
   >>  it don't always feel good to hurt   
   >>  but it's better than not feeling nothin'   
      
   overwritten. the door doesn't have to slam.   
   we know, we know. we fucken know already.   
      
   there's nothing new in the "poem." it's tossed   
   of without thought for the reader. the cute   
   language goes far too far.   
      
   etc.   
      
   what? you thought I'd defend it, Drunkery?   
   when it's bad, it's bad, even when it's mine.   
   guess that's something you're too stupid to   
   understand.   
      
   critique it, loser. don't bother with one of   
   your "reviews" those are about as worthless   
   as the "poem" you reposted. show the world-   
   at-large what a brilliant rebel-poet you are   
   and say something useful. (since you're just   
   here for the poetry)   
      
   let's pretend for a moment that you aren't a hypocrite.   
   and don't bother with "let's ask Colin what he has to say"   
   because I hope I already know!   
      
      
   Renay   
   (gawd. was I ever that young?)   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)