XPost: alt.fiction.original, alt.writing, misc.writing   
   From: TomGiarmoIsRyanWhite@use.net   
      
   *This* is real writing. Not Catshit from the sewer.   
      
   On 1 Mar 2005 12:17:59 -0800, Lyle Carsten, Jr. wrote:   
      
   > longhornster@gmail.com wrote:   
   >   
   >    
   >   
   > Sir,   
   >   
   > Unlike most men my age, I seem to be developing *deposits* of adipose   
   > tissue in unconventional places. You, no doubt, are of the typical sort   
   > who has such deposits in the general area of the buttocks and face. I   
   > am very bothered by the fact that my buttocks and face have remained   
   > the same; my face: angular, sinewy, thin-lipped; and my buttocks:   
   > *neutral*, that is, in the fashion of a sheet of partially warped   
   > plywood.   
   >   
   > I have developed large banana shaped deposits on my midsection. My wife   
   > said the most insulting thing to me this morning. She said, "I'd call   
   > them love handles if they weren't so motherfucking repulsive to the   
   > eye." As you know, such hurtful words can lay burden on a sensitive   
   > man. I would confront her on this, but I've found that it is best not   
   > to *stir the bile* with regard to this, as it only leads to conflict;   
   > and conflict causes me considerable unrest; indeed, I often need   
   > several days of bed rest after a verbal conflict with my wife, or more   
   > if it is with my employer, or a *friend*.   
   >   
   > The banana shapes hang down like satchel straps, and this morning, upon   
   > examining them in the restroom, I was overcome by the thought that they   
   > looked very much like elderly labia. As you know, I enjoy the community   
   > swimming establishment, and now I am very worried that my co-swimmers   
   > might come to the same conclusion about the banana-shapes, and laugh   
   > unmercifully at me. This would cause me tremendous unrest. Indeed, I   
   > wonder if I could survive such a humiliation.   
   >   
   > The other deposit is in the breast area. My breasts now appear like   
   > those of a rhesus monkey. Sort of an elongation of the nipple, if you   
   > will. As though my nipples have grown *footing* and taken over my   
   > entire chest region. Again, my wife was quite insensitive, coming up   
   > behind me in the restroom when I was drying, seizing them from behind   
   > and yanking. She laughed quite profoundly and said, "Shit, we best keep   
   > you from zoo; you'll have the primate shooting spooge  all over   
   > motherfucking concrete. Get us sued by the people for trauma."   
   >   
   > Please, sir, advise and nurture would be so appreciated. It is thankful   
   > to the heart that you are willing to offer verbal *touch* in such a   
   > time of need.   
   >   
   > Respectfully,   
   >   
   > Lyle Carsten, Jr.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)