[continued from previous message]   
      
   >>>>>>>  there went by a life   
   >>   
   >> You should be imprisoned for torturing language like that.   
   >>   
   >> "a life passed by" is the correct way of expressing this.  However, the   
   >> tense would be incorrect.  "Lying there" is present tense, meaning that   
   >> your speaker is in the present moment.   
   >   
   > No, that's not correct. "I am lying there" would be present tense; "I   
   > was lying there" would be past tense; the participle "lying" is not in a   
   > tense.   
      
   Contextually, he is lying on the floor throughout the entire poem (if   
   I'm reading his gibberish correctly); in which case, he should be using   
   present tense throughout.   
      
      
   >> If he's thinking about someone   
   >> else's life that touched his in the past, he needs to specify this   
   >> before switching tenses.   
   >>   
   >> "remembering a life that passed by"   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  untold   
   >>>>>>>  unasked   
   >>>>>>>  going by   
   >>   
   >> You've already said that it "went by."  "Going by" is just a needless   
   >> repetition.   
   >>   
   >> It also changes the tense back from past "went" to "present".  Random   
   >> switches between tenses are an earmark of a Will Donkey poem.  You need   
   >> to learn how to use tenses correctly.   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  never caused and never traced   
   >>>>>>>  the future never ever appears here.   
   >>   
   >> What are you trying to say here?  That this unidentified person's life   
   >> was never caused?  One should think their parents had been the source.   
   >> And how is a life traced?  Generally this would mean   
   >> recalled/recollected/remembered, but you wouldn't just use "traced" to   
   >> signify that.  Your sentence appears to be bemoaning the fact that no   
   >> one ever traced their image on a piece of transparent paper.   
   >>   
   >> And what's with the "never ever"?  People stop saying "never ever" at   
   >> the age of 5 or 6.   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  If some morning I wake   
   >>>>>>>  here for you   
   >>   
   >> Again, this is torturous prose.  It should be "If I awake some morning."   
   >>  In your line, the speaker is pondering the consequences of his waking   
   >> up a morning.   
   >>   
   >> "Here," again, is superfluous -- where else would you be expected to   
   >> wake?  "There"?   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  trying to find some reason to return   
   >>   
   >> At this point, your speaker is babbling incoherently.  One doesn't wake   
   >> up in the middle of attempting to find a reason for doing something.   
   >> One wakes up from sleeping.   
   >>   
   >> And, you have yet to identify who this person being addressed is.   
   >>   
   >> This is another earmark of a Will Donkey poem -- addressing various   
   >> pronouns (you, he, she, it, they) without identifying them to the   
   >> reader.   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  if I see things denied   
   >>   
   >> It's impossible to tell if this line relates to that preceding or   
   >> following it.  It doesn't make sense either way.   
   >>   
   >> Is he seeing things he once defined denied?  What did he define?  For a   
   >> person to "define" something would mean that he was the perfect symbol   
   >> of that particularly quality or characteristic (Joe was the definition   
   >> of courage).   
   >>   
   >> Or is his waking contemplation of the possibility of returning to...   
   >> some unidentified thing (a relationship?) being denied by the   
   >> unidentified someone's actions?   
   >>   
   >> You need to learn how to convey information to your readers.  Language   
   >> is about communication.  It is the means by which we pass on   
   >> *information* to others.  When your poetry hints at vague relationships   
   >> with unidentified pronouns, it is failing to express anything.   
   >>   
   >> Vaguery can be used to a poem's advantage -- but the *entire poem*   
   >> should never be incoherent.   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  I once defined   
   >>>>>>>  a life just passed me by there   
   >>   
   >> Where's "there"?  If the life "just" passed you by, it would have done   
   >> so just a few seconds ago, so "there" should be "here."   
   >>   
   >> But earlier in the poem, you'd said that someone else's life had just   
   >> passed by.   
   >>   
   >> Which life was it?  The speaker's life?  Or the unidentified "you" he is   
   >> addressing?   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  slipped through my fingers   
   >>   
   >> This is just another way of saying "passed me by."  If a line doesn't   
   >> add anything to the poem, you should cut it.   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  everything here now is real   
   >>   
   >> WFT?   
   >>   
   >> Was everything not real a moment ago?   
   >>   
   >> More importantly, *what* has become real?   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  so wait.   
   >>>>>>>  That portion of the finish   
   >>>>>>>  never comes.   
   >>   
   >> I'm guessing that you were stoned out of your senses when you wrote   
   >> this, and that it all made perfect sense to you at the time?   
   >>   
   >> Are you telling the unidentified "you" (whose life had passed --   
   >> implying that they had died) to wait?   
   >>   
   >> Are you telling yourself to wait -- as your train of thought jumps   
   >> tracks?   
   >>   
   >> Or are you telling the reader, who you haven't been addressing, to wait?   
   >>   
   >> And why use "portion" rather than "part"?  It just sounds false (like a   
   >> child attempting to use "big words").   
   >>   
   >> And just what part of what finish are you referring to?   
   >>   
   >> Everything has suddenly become real (even though you had given no   
   >> previous indication that it was false, and even though you've failed to   
   >> even hint at what "real" and "everything" relate to), is meant to be a   
   >> false finish that never comes (and is, therefore, not a finish)?   
   >>   
   >> That would sound vaguely profound if it actually had any intelligible   
   >> meaning.   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>   
   >>>>>>>  Now that the lights are going so low   
   >>>>>>>  the dimming glow   
   >>>>>>>  falls on my ego   
   >>   
   >> We have now arrived at the point in a Will Donkey poem, when I'm   
   >> inwardly screaming out "SHOOT ME NOW!!!"   
   >>   
   >> How does the dimming glow of some lights affect your speaker's ego?   
   >> Does he feel inconsequential at dusk?   
   >> u   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  now that I'm falling   
   >>>>>>>  into my morning   
   >>   
   >> So your speaker is still lying "here" (or, perhaps, "there") waking up   
   >> from contemplating returning to someone or something, and the lights   
   >> have suddenly dimmed?  Was there a brown out?   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  here I am gazing into those   
   >>>>>>>  reflector eyes   
   >>   
   >> Is the (supposedly deceased) "you" he's been addressing actually lying   
   >> on the floor with him (not having "passed by" him at all)?   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  morning light   
   >>>>>>>  is blasting my head clean too.   
   >>   
   >> "Too"?  Too implies that he'd already told us about something else that   
   >> the morning light was blasting clean.   
   >>   
   >> So... basically, the speaker had gotten drunk and/or stoned, passed out   
   >> either here or there, woke up contemplating whether he should return to   
   >> someone or something, rambled incoherently about how his life (or the   
   >> life of someone else) passed him by... until the morning lights dimmed,   
   >> blasting his head clean.   
   >>   
   >> Got it.  NOT!   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  Morning's clearer   
   >>>>>>>  I've been forgetting it.   
   >>   
   >> Donkey, Donkey, Donkey [shakes head], always with the pronouns.  The   
   >> speaker has been forgetting what?   
   >>   
   >> And how can morning be "clearer" when it had never been described as   
   >> being "unclear"?   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>   
   >>>>>>>  Your thoughts seem to stream   
   >>>>>>>  like a highway   
   >>   
   >> Light streams.  Highways don't.   
   >>   
   >> Who is the speaker addressing?  Himself?  The morning?  The unidentified   
   >> person whose "uncaused" and "untraced" life had passed him by?   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>  dimming lights seem to streak   
   >>>>>>>  like hitch-hikers.   
   >>   
   >> "Hitchhikers" is not hyphenated.   
   >   
   > There's something.   
   > I've seen "hitch-hiker" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hitch-Hiker -   
   > and   
   > I've seen "hitch hiker"   
   > https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=31895692545&gQT=3   
      
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   --- SoupGate-DOS v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)