[continued from previous message]   
      
   >>> LOL!  Is your speaker "here" or "there"?  He can't be in both   
   >>> simultaneously.   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  with your seconds piled   
   >>>   
   >>> Whose seconds, Donkey?  In the opening line they were "the seconds"   
   >>> connoting universal measurements of time.  Now the seconds belong to   
   >>> someone els   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  there went by a life   
   >>>   
   >>> You should be imprisoned for torturing language like that.   
   >>>   
   >>> "a life passed by" is the correct way of expressing this.  However, the   
   >>> tense would be incorrect.  "Lying there" is present tense, meaning that   
   >>> your speaker is in the present moment.   
   >>   
   >> No, that's not correct. "I am lying there" would be present tense; "I   
   >> was lying there" would be past tense; the participle "lying" is not in a   
   >> tense.   
   >   
   > Contextually, he is lying on the floor throughout the entire poem (if   
   > I'm reading his gibberish correctly); in which case, he should be using   
   > present tense throughout.   
   >   
   >   
   >>> If he's thinking about someone   
   >>> else's life that touched his in the past, he needs to specify this   
   >>> before switching tenses.   
   >>>   
   >>> "remembering a life that passed by"   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  untold   
   >>>>>>>>  unasked   
   >>>>>>>>  going by   
   >>>   
   >>> You've already said that it "went by."  "Going by" is just a needless   
   >>> repetition.   
   >>>   
   >>> It also changes the tense back from past "went" to "present".  Random   
   >>> switches between tenses are an earmark of a Will Donkey poem.  You need   
   >>> to learn how to use tenses correctly.   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  never caused and never traced   
   >>>>>>>>  the future never ever appears here.   
   >>>   
   >>> What are you trying to say here?  That this unidentified person's life   
   >>> was never caused?  One should think their parents had been the source.   
   >>> And how is a life traced?  Generally this would mean   
   >>> recalled/recollected/remembered, but you wouldn't just use "traced" to   
   >>> signify that.  Your sentence appears to be bemoaning the fact that no   
   >>> one ever traced their image on a piece of transparent paper.   
   >>>   
   >>> And what's with the "never ever"?  People stop saying "never ever" at   
   >>> the age of 5 or 6.   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  If some morning I wake   
   >>>>>>>>  here for you   
   >>>   
   >>> Again, this is torturous prose.  It should be "If I awake some morning."   
   >>>  In your line, the speaker is pondering the consequences of his waking   
   >>> up a morning.   
   >>>   
   >>> "Here," again, is superfluous -- where else would you be expected to   
   >>> wake?  "There"?   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  trying to find some reason to return   
   >>>   
   >>> At this point, your speaker is babbling incoherently.  One doesn't wake   
   >>> up in the middle of attempting to find a reason for doing something.   
   >>> One wakes up from sleeping.   
   >>>   
   >>> And, you have yet to identify who this person being addressed is.   
   >>>   
   >>> This is another earmark of a Will Donkey poem -- addressing various   
   >>> pronouns (you, he, she, it, they) without identifying them to the   
   >>> reader.   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  if I see things denied   
   >>>   
   >>> It's impossible to tell if this line relates to that preceding or   
   >>> following it.  It doesn't make sense either way.   
   >>>   
   >>> Is he seeing things he once defined denied?  What did he define?  For a   
   >>> person to "define" something would mean that he was the perfect symbol   
   >>> of that particularly quality or characteristic (Joe was the definition   
   >>> of courage).   
   >>>   
   >>> Or is his waking contemplation of the possibility of returning to...   
   >>> some unidentified thing (a relationship?) being denied by the   
   >>> unidentified someone's actions?   
   >>>   
   >>> You need to learn how to convey information to your readers.  Language   
   >>> is about communication.  It is the means by which we pass on   
   >>> *information* to others.  When your poetry hints at vague relationships   
   >>> with unidentified pronouns, it is failing to express anything.   
   >>>   
   >>> Vaguery can be used to a poem's advantage -- but the *entire poem*   
   >>> should never be incoherent.   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  I once defined   
   >>>>>>>>  a life just passed me by there   
   >>>   
   >>> Where's "there"?  If the life "just" passed you by, it would have done   
   >>> so just a few seconds ago, so "there" should be "here."   
   >>>   
   >>> But earlier in the poem, you'd said that someone else's life had just   
   >>> passed by.   
   >>>   
   >>> Which life was it?  The speaker's life?  Or the unidentified "you" he is   
   >>> addressing?   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  slipped through my fingers   
   >>>   
   >>> This is just another way of saying "passed me by."  If a line doesn't   
   >>> add anything to the poem, you should cut it.   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  everything here now is real   
   >>>   
   >>> WFT?   
   >>>   
   >>> Was everything not real a moment ago?   
   >>>   
   >>> More importantly, *what* has become real?   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  so wait.   
   >>>>>>>>  That portion of the finish   
   >>>>>>>>  never comes.   
   >>>   
   >>> I'm guessing that you were stoned out of your senses when you wrote   
   >>> this, and that it all made perfect sense to you at the time?   
   >>>   
   >>> Are you telling the unidentified "you" (whose life had passed --   
   >>> implying that they had died) to wait?   
   >>>   
   >>> Are you telling yourself to wait -- as your train of thought jumps   
   >>> tracks?   
   >>>   
   >>> Or are you telling the reader, who you haven't been addressing, to wait?   
   >>>   
   >>> And why use "portion" rather than "part"?  It just sounds false (like a   
   >>> child attempting to use "big words").   
   >>>   
   >>> And just what part of what finish are you referring to?   
   >>>   
   >>> Everything has suddenly become real (even though you had given no   
   >>> previous indication that it was false, and even though you've failed to   
   >>> even hint at what "real" and "everything" relate to), is meant to be a   
   >>> false finish that never comes (and is, therefore, not a finish)?   
   >>>   
   >>> That would sound vaguely profound if it actually had any intelligible   
   >>> meaning.   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>   
   >>>>>>>>  Now that the lights are going so low   
   >>>>>>>>  the dimming glow   
   >>>>>>>>  falls on my ego   
   >>>   
   >>> We have now arrived at the point in a Will Donkey poem, when I'm   
   >>> inwardly screaming out "SHOOT ME NOW!!!"   
   >>>   
   >>> How does the dimming glow of some lights affect your speaker's ego?   
   >>> Does he feel inconsequential at dusk?   
   >>> u   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  now that I'm falling   
   >>>>>>>>  into my morning   
   >>>   
   >>> So your speaker is still lying "here" (or, perhaps, "there") waking up   
   >>> from contemplating returning to someone or something, and the lights   
   >>> have suddenly dimmed?  Was there a brown out?   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  here I am gazing into those   
   >>>>>>>>  reflector eyes   
   >>>   
   >>> Is the (supposedly deceased) "you" he's been addressing actually lying   
   >>> on the floor with him (not having "passed by" him at all)?   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  morning light   
   >>>>>>>>  is blasting my head clean too.   
   >>>   
   >>> "Too"?  Too implies that he'd already told us about something else that   
   >>> the morning light was blasting clean.   
   >>>   
   >>> So... basically, the speaker had gotten drunk and/or stoned, passed out   
   >>> either here or there, woke up contemplating whether he should return to   
   >>> someone or something, rambled incoherently about how his life (or the   
   >>> life of someone else) passed him by... until the morning lights dimmed,   
   >>> blasting his head clean.   
   >>>   
   >>> Got it.  NOT!   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>  Morning's clearer   
   >>>>>>>>  I've been forgetting it.   
   >>>   
   >>> Donkey, Donkey, Donkey [shakes head], always with the pronouns.  The   
   >>> speaker has been forgetting what?   
   >>>   
   >>> And how can morning be "clearer" when it had never been described as   
   >>> being "unclear"?   
   >>>   
   >>>>>>>>   
   >>>>>>>>  Your thoughts seem to stream   
   >>>>>>>>  like a highway   
   >>>   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-DOS v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)