[continued from previous message]   
      
   > George Dance is afraid that he might lose one of the last friends he   
   > has, so he doesn't dare correct Dockery.   
   >>   
   >>>>   
   >>>>   
   >>>>>>>>>  never caused and never traced   
   >>>>>>>>>  the future never ever appears here.   
   >>>>   
   >>>> What are you trying to say here?  That this unidentified person's life   
   >>>> was never caused?  One should think their parents had been the source.   
   >>>> And how is a life traced?  Generally this would mean   
   >>>> recalled/recollected/remembered, but you wouldn't just use "traced" to   
   >>>> signify that.  Your sentence appears to be bemoaning the fact that no   
   >>>> one ever traced their image on a piece of transparent paper.   
   >>>>   
   >>>> And what's with the "never ever"?  People stop saying "never ever" at   
   >>>> the age of 5 or 6.   
   >>>   
   >>> That was Mr. Dockery's mental age at 22 in the 11th grade.  He was doing   
   >>> the best he could with what he had.   
   >>   
   >> Well, Will is to be congratulated.  He's since progressed to the mental   
   >> age of a 10-year old.   
   > What is a 10-year-old capable of learning?  Supposedly logic, but we   
   > don't see that.  Coming into puberty at the age of five hindered Will   
   > Dockery.  (They do things differently in the deep South).   
   >>   
   >>>   
   >>>>   
   >>>>>>>>>  If some morning I wake   
   >>>>>>>>>  here for you   
   >>>>   
   >>>> Again, this is torturous prose.  It should be "If I awake some morning."   
   >>>>  In your line, the speaker is pondering the consequences of his waking   
   >>>> up a morning.   
   >>>>   
   >>>> "Here," again, is superfluous -- where else would you be expected to   
   >>>> wake?  "There"?   
   >>>   
   >>> Maybe "on" or "at?"   
   >>   
   >>   
   >> I've got it!  Will woke up lying here at the floor over there!   
   > All things for all people.   
   >>   
   >>>>   
   >>>>>>>>>  trying to find some reason to return   
   >>>>   
   >>>> At this point, your speaker is babbling incoherently.  One doesn't wake   
   >>>> up in the middle of attempting to find a reason for doing something.   
   >>>> One wakes up from sleeping.   
   >>>   
   >>> Maybe he was trying to return something at Walmart without a receipt?   
   >>   
   >> You know, if he had a credit card, he wouldn't have any difficulty   
   >> making returns.  Walmart's always been very good about that sort of   
   >> thing.   
   >>   
   >> Of course to get a credit card, he'd have to get a job...   
   > He could probably get a job at Walmart, checking receipts.   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>>> And, you have yet to identify who this person being addressed is.   
   >>>   
   >>> Probably the principal, after Mr. Dockery got kicked out of school.   
   >>   
   >> I've been thinking about Will's poem, and I've come to a similar   
   >> conclusion.   
   > We think that the principal also killed himself.   
   >>   
   >> The speaker is lying "shattered" on the floor, with his life having   
   >> passed him by, because he'd just received notice that he would have to   
   >> be repeating his senior year again.   
   > And he heard the voice of "GED" in the sky, telling him that he was   
   > special, that he "don't need no education."   
   >   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>>> This is another earmark of a Will Donkey poem -- addressing various   
   >>>> pronouns (you, he, she, it, they) without identifying them to the   
   >>>> reader.   
   >>>   
   >>> It was all a dream, and he had forgotten their names, although they had   
   >>> told him twice.  "Hole in one"   
   >>   
   >> In this particular poem, it turns out that he has simply lost his   
   >> marbles.   
   > Such a lack of awareness in a 22-year-old llth grader.   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>>>  if I see things denied   
   >>>>   
   >>>>   
   >>>> It's impossible to tell if this line relates to that preceding or   
   >>>> following it.  It doesn't make sense either way.   
   >>> Not surprising.   
   >>   
   >> That's one of the problems with Fragmentist poetry -- the individual   
   >> thought fragments aren't required to correspond to any of the other   
   >> thought fragments.   
   >   
   > Therefore, any thought fragment can be pulled out of the can of thought   
   > fragments and be used at random without affecting the logic or flow of   
   > the poem?   
   >   
   >>   
   >>>>   
   >>>> Is he seeing things he once defined denied?  What did he define?  For a   
   >>>> person to "define" something would mean that he was the perfect symbol   
   >>>> of that particularly quality or characteristic (Joe was the definition   
   >>>> of courage).   
   >>>>   
   >>>> Or is his waking contemplation of the possibility of returning to...   
   >>>> some unidentified thing (a relationship?) being denied by the   
   >>>> unidentified someone's actions?   
   >>> All of those things.   
   >>   
   >> No... I'm convinced that he's lying on the floor (excuse me, at the   
   >> floor) having gotten drunk and stoned out of his mind, upon learning   
   >> that he'd been left back yet again.   
   > Where was he getting the money to buy the drugs?  (or was Barfly   
   > supplying them?)   
   >   
   >>   
   >> It all makes perfect sense.   
   >>   
   >> Well, maybe not perfect sense.. and maybe not all of it... but at least   
   >> it's got some semblance of a plot.   
   > Not an interesting or publishable plot, though.   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>>> You need to learn how to convey information to your readers.  Language   
   >>>> is about communication.  It is the means by which we pass on   
   >>>> *information* to others.  When your poetry hints at vague relationships   
   >>>> with unidentified pronouns, it is failing to express anything.   
   >>>   
   >>> That's a theme in Mr. Dockery's attempts at writing.   
   > That's unexpressionism?   
   >   
   >>   
   >> It's also indicative of his laziness.  Why bother to think up a word for   
   >> something when you can just use a handy-dandy pronoun?   
   > Or use the same words over and over and over, like "tizzy," "troll," and   
   > "obsessed?"   
   >>   
   >> "I told you it was good   
   >> But you said it was bad   
   >> What was it that we had?   
   >> I've never understood."   
   >>   
   >> I've just written a Donkey style stanza in 3 seconds flat!   
   > But it rhymes!  Dockery poems don't rhyme, or if they do, it is in   
   > random lines.   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>>> Vaguery can be used to a poem's advantage -- but the *entire poem*   
   >>>> should never be incoherent.   
   >>>   
   >>> At least he is consistent.   
   >>   
   >> True.  Let's give him credit for that.   
   > But no credit cards.  He couldn't even get a pre-paid one.   
   >>   
   >>>>>>>>>  I once defined   
   >>>>>>>>>  a life just passed me by there   
   >>>>   
   >>>> Where's "there"?  If the life "just" passed you by, it would have done   
   >>>> so just a few seconds ago, so "there" should be "here."   
   >>>   
   >>> That was Sydne's wrong left turn with Stinky G.   
   >>   
   >> So Sydne turned here when she should have been there, and now only a   
   >> broken Stinky G is left.   
   > And where is Stinky G, since he's neither here nor there?   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>>>   
   >>>> But earlier in the poem, you'd said that someone else's life had just   
   >>>> passed by.   
   >>>   
   >>> Sydne's ghost.   
   >>   
   >> No, it couldn't have been Sydne's ghost.  Will wrote the poem in 1976   
   >> when he was a high school senior.  Perhaps the ghost was that of his   
   >> future upon learning that he'd been left back another time?   
   > Time travel is fluid.   
   >>   
   >>>>   
   >>>> Which life was it?  The speaker's life?  Or the unidentified "you" he is   
   >>>> addressing?   
   >>>   
   >>> The ghost of Dan Barfly.   
   >>   
   >> Dan was still alive then, too.  I believe he'd been thrown out of school   
   >> for sleeping with underage students, but he was still hanging around the   
   >> local bars.   
   > Because that's where the underage girls and boys were.   
   >>   
   >>>>   
   >>>>>>>>>  slipped through my fingers   
   >>>>   
   >>>> This is just another way of saying "passed me by."  If a line doesn't   
   >>>> add anything to the poem, you should cut it.   
   >>>   
   >>> Perhaps the whole poem should be cut?  Not just perhaps.   
   >>   
   >> Perhaps the collected works of Will Donkey should be cut.  With the   
   >> exception of "When the Mill Shut Down" (or whatever it was called).   
      
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   --- SoupGate-DOS v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)