From: olivercranglejr@gmail.com   
      
    April 27, 2012 at 9:32 am   
    Written by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT   
      
      
   Symptoms of Codependency   
      
      
      
      
      
   The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it   
   originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics,   
   researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more   
   prevalent in the general    
   population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised   
   in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you're likely codependent.   
      
   Don't feel bad if that includes you. Most American families are dysfunctional.   
   You're in the majority!   
      
   Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated.   
   The good news is that they're reversible.   
      
   Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You needn't have them all to   
   qualify as codependent.   
      
   Low self-esteem.Feeling that you're not good enough or comparing yourself to   
   others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is   
   that some people think highly of themselves, but it's only a disguise -- they   
   actually feel unlovable    
   or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of   
   shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If   
   everything is perfect, you don't feel bad about yourself.   
   People-pleasing. It's fine to want to please someone you care about, but   
   codependents usually don't think they have a choice. Saying "No" causes them   
   anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying "No" to anyone. They go out   
   of their way and    
   sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.   
   Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and   
   others. It divides up what's yours and somebody else's, and that applies not   
   only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts   
   and needs. That's    
   especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak   
   boundaries. They feel responsible for other people's feelings and problems or   
   blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They   
   are closed off and    
   withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes,   
   people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid   
   ones.   
   Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone's   
   thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either   
   believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there's no   
   boundary. With a    
   boundary, you'd realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you   
   and not feel threatened by disagreements.   
   Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a   
   problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It's   
   natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start   
   putting other people ahead of    
   themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another   
   person doesn't want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other   
   person, even when that person clearly isn't taking their advice.   
   Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some   
   control over events in their life. You wouldn't want to live in constant   
   uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to   
   take risks and share their    
   feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up,   
   like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so   
   that they don't feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those   
   close to them, because    
   they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact,   
   people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people.   
   Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or   
   shouldn't do. This is a violation    
   of someone else's boundary.   
   Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to   
   communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don't know   
   what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know,   
   but you won't own up to    
   your truth. You're afraid to be truthful, because you don't want to upset   
   someone else. Instead of saying, "I don't like that," you might pretend that   
   it's okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and   
   confusing when you try to    
   manipulate the other person out of fear.   
   Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about   
   other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and   
   anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they've   
   made or might make a "mistake."   
   Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you'd like things to be or   
   about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one   
   way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.   
   Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about   
   themselves. They're afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can   
   function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because   
   they feel depressed or    
   lonely when they're by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for   
   them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive.   
   They end up feeling trapped.   
   Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is   
   that they're in denial about it, meaning that they don't face their problem.   
   Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either   
   keep complaining or    
   trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another   
   and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny   
   their feelings and needs. Often, they don't know what they're feeling and are   
   instead focused on what    
   others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to   
   other people's needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need   
   for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like   
   they're self-   
   sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won't reach out and have   
   trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love   
   and intimacy.   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)