From: deputydog23x@gmail.com   
      
   Child Abuse and the Role of Parental Denial   
      
   DR. SCHWARTZ'S WEBLOG BY ALLAN SCHWARTZ, LCSW, PH.D. DEC 11, 2009   
      
    Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. was in private practice for more than thirty   
   years. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the states ...Read More   
      
      
      
   I recently had the opportunity of revisiting a question that I have struggled   
   to find answers to for many years. The question is, why, in the face of a   
   parent sexually, physically or verbally abusing a child, does the other parent   
   remain silent?   
      
   This is a phenomenon I have been aware of in countless numbers of cases   
   reported to me by patients who are now adult and clearly recall not only the   
   abuse but the fact that the other parent offered no safety.   
      
   The question others have asked me and that I ask myself is, how or why would a   
   parent remain silent in the face of children being abused. Here a few   
   hypotheses.   
      
   1. Denial is a powerful and primitive defense mechanism. Someone who is   
   dependent, frightened and themselves the victim of abuse, can remain silent   
   and not even see or hear the abuse in order to maintain the desperately needed   
   relationship with the    
   abuser. In a way, it is a variation of the old saying, "Hear no evil, see no   
   evil." Well, people do hear it and see it and fail to act.   
      
   2. Both abuser and spouse can be mentally ill people who collude out of   
   mutually shared sadism. In others words, there are a few people who can get a   
   sense of pleasure out of treating children abusively.   
      
   3. Over the years, I have known a few cases in which the wife has such a deep   
   need to avoid sexual relations that they prefer their husband engage in   
   Oedipal relations with a daughter. This is usually unconscious with full   
   denial in operation.   
      
   4. Chronic and severe drug and alcohol abuse loosen inhibitions that otherwise   
   sober and sensible people do things that would shock them if they were not   
   under the influence of certain types of drugs.   
      
   5. There are parents who, having been raised in strict and abusive   
   environments, then repeat the pattern once they are parents. The vicious cycle   
   of abuse is probably the major cause of domestic violence in the United States.   
      
   One of the distressing and utterly frustrating and despairing things that   
   survivors of abuse discover as adults, is that their parents deny that   
   anything ever happened. Patients have reported to me that parents, when   
   confronted by their adult child with    
   the abuse they committed, tell their son or daughter that their memory is   
   wrong.   
      
   It is natural to ask why an adult would now confront their parents about   
   abusive acts that happened during childhood? Apparently, the answer is that   
   these survivors are seeking an apology and an affirmative statement admitting   
   their wrong doing. This is    
   what makes the discussion so filled with despair for so many survivors. The   
   despair results not simply by the refusal of an apology, but the complete   
   denial that anything happened. This is further exacerbated by the fact that   
   neighbors and friends of the    
   parents think them very "nice people" who would never do such a despicable   
   thing as abuse a child. When Joan Crawford's daughter published the story of   
   her childhood, a story that depicted Crawford's cruel and outlandish acts of   
   abuse, there was a public    
   outcry that this never could have happened. Later, the outcry vanished when   
   the truth and accuracy of the story emerged for the public to see.   
      
   It is the responsibility of neighbors, family, friends, teachers and school   
   officials to report suspected abuse to the authorities who will then conduct   
   an investigation. Do not play the "hear no evil, see no evil" game. Act on   
   what you know or have good    
   reason to suspect.   
      
   Your comments, experiences and questions are welcome in relation to this   
   important issue.   
      
   Allan N. Schwartz, PhD   
      
   Read In Order Of Posting   
   Previous Post By Allan Parenting, Children, And Observational Learning   
   Next Post By Allan Troubled Marriages T.V. News Interview   
   Comments   
   ANONYMOUS-1  DEC 12, 2009   
   Another reason   
   Thank you for a sensitive and thoughtful start to an important topic.   
      
   Here's another reason why a parent wouldn't intervene to stop abuse: in the   
   case of a father sexually abusing a daughter, the mother may view the   
   "relationship" between the father and daughter as a threat to her and the   
   daughter as having "stolen" her    
   husband. Thus the mother doesn't see the daughter as a victim, but rather as a   
   rival who is stronger, more powerful and more attractive than she is. The   
   mother may then view HERSELF as the victim in the equation, rather than the   
   child, and thus is    
   motivated to protect herself and not her daughter (often by neglecting or   
   abusing the daughter as punishment for having "stolen her man").   
      
   ANONYMOUS-2  DEC 13, 2009   
   Thanks   
   WoW! I never knew until this exact moment from reading your article that there   
   were other parents who idly sat by listening and watching as their child was   
   being abused. My father listened and allowed my mother to curse berate and   
   destroy me with her    
   tongue every morning before she sent me off to school. She cursed me for   
   breakfast lunch dinner and a midnight snack too. She was brutal. She was   
   cruel. She broke my spirit but anyways I never really knew it. I thought my   
   father was just a weak man. The    
   only weak man. Thx!   
      
   JILL  DEC 14, 2009   
   trouble with relationships   
   When I was growing up my parents were gone a lot. My brother took over and   
   used me as an experience of sexual ways. We never had intercourse. It probably   
   had happened from ages 6-8 years of age for me and he was probably 10-12. My   
   parents sat back and    
   ignore it and or passed it off as we were kids jsut experiencing. My Mom even   
   said that it was normal for kids to do this.   
      
   I feel it was enough to damage me. Now I have trouble with relationships. In   
   the past, all I thought was pleasing a man. I've been date raped. And, now in   
   a 12 year relationship where a man doesn't even want to touch me (Just the   
   opposite of what I want).   
    He knows nothing about the above, but I feel our lack of is because of other   
   reasons-his depression. Not really sure if I'm over the child hood   
   experiences, but longing for a man in my life to make me feel safe and secure   
   and who wants to be with jsut    
   me. Is there a reason that I'm not meeting the right person in my life???? Is   
   it that my childhood experiences are affecting me and I think it's the other   
   person???   
      
   LAURA BOND  JAN 8, 2010   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)