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   DIRTY FAMILY SECRETS   
   November 24th | 2013   
   Dirty Family Secrets   
       
   At age 37, actor Jack Nicholson learned that the person he had known as his   
   life as his sister was actually his mother, and his "mother" was actually his   
   grandmother. By the time he learned the truth, both had died without ever   
   telling him the truth.   
   Closer to home, a Quebec born friend who was 21 years old, suddenly learned   
   she was actually 23 years old. Her baptismal certificate had been forged by   
   the village priest to hide her premarital conception. In our practice we have   
   had DNA cases disclosing    
   the existence of long hidden children and recently a case where the deceased   
   made a deathbed confession to his wife and family about his second wife and   
   12-year-old daughter. It is a rare family with no skeletons in their closest.   
   There are a myriad of    
   reasons why people decide to hide details of a shameful incident, illicit   
   relationship or other personal issue.   
   Many families have secrets and their nature varies considerably. They may   
   involve infidelity, mental illness, sexual orientation, illegitimacy,   
   substance abuse, physical or psychological abuse or any other of the myriad of   
   human potential frailties. The    
   non-disclosure sometimes takes on an energy of its own. Those kept in the dark   
   may sense something unusual but not be able to put their finger on it. Some   
   secrets go to the grave, while others are ultimately disclosed. Family members   
   may lose their    
   filters with dementia, or simply decide to unburden themselves at last.   
   Historical secrets are still emerging today-for example, President Jefferson's   
   impregnation of a black servant. A descendent recently came forward to break   
   that secret, now centuries    
   old.   
   THE FOUR TYPES OF FAMILY SECRETS   
   John Bradshaw in his recent book "Family Secrets "describes four different   
   categories of secrets: Secrets involving criminal activity, the more egregious   
   the crime, the more likely the suppression. Secrets involving addictions such   
   as substance abuse,    
   eating disorders, gambling or chronic infidelity; Secrets involving family   
   enmeshment issues which would include scape-goating individuals , infidelity,   
   cruelty and mental illness; Individual secrets primarily harming the   
   individual seeker holder    
   relating to a self perceived shame , usually relating to guilt, anxiety,   
   cultural shame, inferior education or social economic background.   
   A HISTORY OF HIDDEN SHAME   
   Deborah Cohen traces family secrets in a book: "Family Secrets: Living With   
   Shame From the Victorians to the Present Day". Ms. Cohen apparently spent   
   several years researching her book, primarily because secrets proliferated   
   everywhere she looked    
   including the archives, courthouses, memoirs, personal letters, diaries, to   
   court actions. Times have changed and events that were branded with a dreaded   
   stigma a century ago, may hardly raise an eyebrow today. A child born "on the   
   wrong side of the    
   blanket" in Victorian times could shame the entire family. Indeed until   
   relatively recently, pregnant young women were hustled off to homes for unwed   
   mothers. Many parents now in their sixties have been reunited with biological   
   children given up for    
   adoption as infants. A widespread secret was sexual abuse in the home. Victims   
   of this abuse have increasingly come forward, been believed and been   
   validated. With the advent of home reality shows such as Jerry Springer, it is   
   clear the current    
   generation shares their secrets much more freely. With the advance of social   
   media, including Facebook and Twitter, it is increasingly difficult to keep   
   anything secret.   
   WHY FAMILY SECRETS ARE HARMFUL   
   According to some schools of thought, secrets may damage the well-being of the   
   entire family because they destroy trust and healthy communication. In our   
   experience, secrets sometimes ignite feelings of betrayal and resentment which   
   encourages estate    
   litigation. Family secrets may create a false sense of reality, especially   
   among young children learning the world through adults. When such children   
   grow up and finally learn they have been misled all their lives, they may well   
   feel betrayed. For    
   example, a fomer client was shattered to learn at 50, that his father was not   
   his father at all. Perhaps worse yet was his realization that his family had   
   lied to him all of his life. Experts believe suppressing traumatic secrets can   
   result in stress,    
   guilt, anxiety leading to physical and mental difficulties. No one is   
   immune--neither the keeper of the secret nor those who live with that person.   
   It seems many of our estate litigation clients come from dysfunctional   
   families where secrets are the norm.   
    What is especially disturbing to clients are cases where they learn after a   
   parent's death that a sibling has been secretly helping themselves to the   
   parent's monies before their death. Those who have money to litigate often do   
   and the courts will    
   scrutinize these transactions very carefully. In general terms however, it   
   seems the risk of estate litigation is dramatically reduced if there is open   
   communication rather than secretiveness which breeds a sense of betrayal and   
   resentment.   
   CONCLUSION   
   While it is a rare family that does not have some form of "skeleton in the   
   closet", secrets create a vicious circle of hidden shame. Evasion is used to   
   protect the myth. The only beneficiaries are often the lawyers hired to   
   represent the litigants    
   seeking redress once the family secrets are exposed.   
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   TREVOR TODD   
   Trevor Todd is one of the province's most esteemed estate litigation lawyers.   
   He has spent more than 40 years helping the disinherited contest wills and   
   transfers - and win. From his Kerrisdale office, which looks more like an   
   eclectic art gallery than a    
   lawyer's office, Trevor empowers claimants and restores dignity to families   
   across BC. He is a mentor to young entrepreneurs and an art buff who supports   
   starving artists the world over. He has an eye for talent and a heart for   
   giving back.   
   Related Posts:   
      
   How to Survive a Narcissitic Or Abusive Family    
      
   Sexual Abuse Cases Are Different From Other Victims of Crime    
      
   Famous Estate Fights- The Rineharts of Australia    
      
   Family Estrangement - A Silent Epidemic?   
   Tags: Life and Death, Wrongful Death, Wrongful Life   
   Posted in Family Law   
      
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