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   BBC   
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   Gaslighting: The 'perfect' romance that became a nightmare   
   29 November 2017   
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   Bouquet of flowers   
      
      
   Nicole spent years living with a charming man, but she always seemed to be   
   doing something wrong. Eventually she began to realise that it wasn't her that   
   was the problem, it was him - and when she met one of his previous   
   girlfriends, Elizabeth,    
   everything made sense. Here Nicole tells her story, followed by Elizabeth.   
      
   Other people seem to manage it, sharing a life with someone, content and   
   peaceful in each other's company. But the thought of a relationship still   
   terrifies me. Many years on, I still well up with panic at the mention of my   
   ex's name - that charming man    
   who I feared and adored in equal measure.   
      
   A charming, beautiful, successful man had made me his. He was everything I   
   could ever dream of. He was a high-flyer, his charisma was magnetic and I was   
   entranced. When I was with the charming man doors opened for us and the best   
   tables suddenly became    
   available. We travelled the world for his work, staying at the best hotels and   
   eating at the finest restaurants. He seemed to be able to charm his way   
   through life in any language.   
      
   But I failed him.   
      
   I ruined everything: dinners, conversations, evenings out, holidays - by   
   mentioning an ex's name, getting my purse out in front of his friends or   
   wanting to carry my own passport and money when we were overseas.   
      
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   He could be furious for days. My inappropriate behaviour had shown him up, he   
   didn't know if he could continue being with someone like me, he could do so   
   much better.   
      
   I also ruined birthdays and Christmases, simply by being "too stupid and   
   cruel" to understand what was best for him.   
      
   He wanted me to buy him expensive presents: "It's just £4,000, use your   
   savings," he would say.   
      
   "But those are life savings," I replied. "I can't touch them, it's impossible.   
   I want to make you happy but I can't afford that."   
      
   The charming man cried - I had let him down and nothing I did could make up   
   for it.   
      
   He didn't sleep much, so neither did I. I was not allowed to "ruin his night"   
   by going to sleep before him. If I did, he woke me in the early hours, wanting   
   to talk about our relationship and what I was doing wrong. I was exhausted. I   
   felt like I was    
   going through life in a blur, catching sleep whenever and wherever I could.   
   The disabled loo at work became a refuge for a lunchtime nap.   
      
   Why didn't I leave sooner? Well, he was charming and my family loved him. And   
   I was at an age where life was a blur of engagements and weddings.   
   Well-meaning relatives would tell me that I was next. The tick-tocking sound   
   of my biological clock got    
   louder as the weddings made way for christenings.   
      
   watches   
   Besides, I adored him and this incredible man had chosen me. He was troubled   
   and I had to help him. I knew I hurt him so I wanted to make it better.   
      
   If I went out with my friends he would lock himself in his study. His cries   
   would echo as he curled up under his huge leather-topped desk, so I hardly   
   ever went out without him.   
      
   He told me I was easily replaceable and showed me pictures and letters from   
   the other women who wanted him, so I would cry and try to be a better   
   girlfriend.   
      
   Whenever it got too much and I did try to leave, he would curl up in the   
   foetal position in front of the door crying and screaming at me not to leave   
   him - so I didn't. I would sit on the floor and hold him, promising that I   
   would work harder to make it    
   better.   
      
   It was exhausting, but relationships are hard work and no-one is perfect.   
      
   presentational grey line   
   Controlling or Coercive Behaviour in an Intimate or Family Relationship   
   In 2015 the Serious Crime Act - England and Wales - was changed to recognise   
   controlling or coercive behaviour in a relationship   
      
   Controlling behaviour: A range of acts making a person subordinate and/or   
   dependent on their abuser. These include isolating them from sources of   
   support, depriving them of means needed for independence, resistance and   
   escape and regulating their    
   everyday behaviour.   
      
   Coercive behaviour: A pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and   
   intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their   
   victim.   
      
   presentational grey line   
   "You will never do better than him, he's perfect, don't you want children?"   
   people would say.   
      
   It got to the point, though, when I knew I couldn't stay.   
      
   It felt as if my body and brain were breaking down with the sheer exhaustion   
   of having to manage life with this man. I put on weight, but I couldn't   
   exercise because he didn't like me to be away from him. Food became my biggest   
   comfort.   
      
   I dreaded the thought of leaving, but was terrified at the thought of spending   
   the rest of my life with him.   
      
   Eventually an opportunity to escape arrived, and I was able to pack up my   
   possessions without him suspecting my real reasons. With support from my   
   sister, I was able to drive away, and collapse in an exhausted heap on her   
   kitchen floor.   
      
   It took therapy for me to understand that it wasn't normal for your partner to   
   take the bathroom door off the hinges because you had "left him" to go to the   
   loo or have a bath.   
      
   I used to treasure my moments of solitude sitting in the bathroom with a book.   
   When I was with him I would clock-watch, thinking about when I could next   
   escape for a few minutes of peace behind that locked door. He soon got wise to   
   this and my heart    
   would sink every time I heard the screwdriver in the hinges, with him crying   
   that he just wanted to be with me.   
      
   When I first said these things out loud I could begin to recognise that it was   
   madness but at the time it was just my reality.   
      
   Therapy opened up a whole new world of understanding and terminology: words   
   like "narcissist" and "gaslighting" were new to me. I had no idea abuse could   
   look like this.   
      
   It was through therapy that I understood that I had been "gaslighted" and that   
   my perception of the world had shifted during those years of trying to do the   
   impossible - to satisfy a narcissist.   
      
   gas lamp   
   I finally realised that I wasn't the cause of our problems: I had been set up   
   to fail.   
      
   But there was still more to learn.   
      
   It was my therapist who suggested I contacted the charming man's ex.   
      
   "Really?" I said. "But she was crazy, she attacked him."   
      
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)