XPost: us.politics.elections, alt.appalachian, dumb.ass.democrat   
   .america.hating.assholes   
   XPost: fl.politics, alt.tv, or.general   
   From: except_you_faggots@cnn.com   
      
   Biff Diddle • December 23, 2021 11:30 am   
      
   Freedom fighters, friends, and former lovers:   
      
   I assume you've had an eventful year. I certainly have.   
      
   In January, for example, I finally got to tour the U.S. Capitol   
   building. In March, I made it down to Mar-a-Lago for an enchanting   
   black-tie gala to celebrate the cucking of Jeff Bezos. Diamond and   
   Silk had to help me back to my room at 4 a.m. (Wink, wink.) I ended   
   up missing my flight to Mekelle the next day, but Jake Paul was kind   
   enough to let me borrow his jet.   
      
   Over the summer, I made a small fortune trading meme stocks and   
   proceeded to turn that small fortune into a metric buttload by   
   playing the crypto markets and shorting Peloton. Easiest decision   
   I've ever made. Riding a bicycle outdoors is bad enough, but at   
   least I can still run you over with my car.   
      
   Unfortunately, after cashing out in August I was swindled by some   
   losers on the dark web. It would seem that "Cuddle Skunk" and his   
   associate "gRaNDAddY_p00N" were more than happy to pocket the $19.2   
   million I wired them for the "gently used MQ-9 Reaper Drone" they   
   claimed to be selling, but weren't as inclined to deliver the goods.   
   "Dat ass d'Liewen," as the saying goes.   
      
   By that point I desperately needed a vacation. After an exhilarating   
   fortnight in Kabul, I shacked up with a TikTok babe in Paris. Her   
   name started with a "C," I think, but her content was always on   
   fleek. We broke into Le Château d'Epstein and made love for days.   
   The whole place reeked of hot sauce for some reason. I left without   
   saying goodbye and eventually made it down to Saint-Tropez, where I   
   caught a ride home on Joe Manchin's other secret yacht, the No F—s   
   Given.   
      
   The Tokyo Olympics sucked, by the way. Just wanted to get that off   
   my chest. And don't get me started on Afghanistan, it's too   
   depressing. We might not be living in the Islamic Republic of   
   Obamastine anymore, but it sure does feel like America has gotten   
   tired of winning. People keep asking me if I think Joe Biden is a   
   bigger failure as president than Jimmy Carter. Probably, would be my   
   answer, though I can't really say for sure on account of all the   
   Quaaludes I was on between 1975-1982. I remember smoking a cigar on   
   a rooftop in Isfahan the night I heard that washed-up old hippie   
   John Lennon got shot. That's about it.   
      
   Merry Christmas, by the way. It feels so nice to be able to say that   
   in public again. Enjoy it while you still can. The libs are getting   
   desperate and would like nothing more than to impose their depraved   
   "Science Daddy" BDSM fantasies on the rest of us. I've had every   
   single godforsaken variant of the ChiCom clap. I can still bench   
   315. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the libs decided to kill the   
   #MeToo movement on behalf of President Dementia McGropeyhands and   
   Gov. Nipples D'Alfredo. They can shut the hell up about everything   
   else.   
      
   I have a few other thoughts about 2021, so I'm just going to list   
   them below, if that's alright with you.   
      
   • Is Hillary Clinton going to wait until Ghislaine Maxwell is   
   convicted to snuff her out or what? I don't understand the logic of   
   delaying the inevitable. Granted, she's not as spry as she used to   
   be, but that didn't stop her from sending Major the White House   
   German Shepherd to "live in a quieter environment with family   
   friends."   
      
   • Too many perverts working at CNN these days. Even for a media   
   company, that's just ridiculous.   
      
   • Bosnian meat is the best meat. The mainstream media doesn't want   
   you to know this.   
      
   • I could be persuaded to get the vaccine if Donald Trump was   
   personally involved in the process. I wouldn't let him give me the   
   shot but I'd definitely feel more comfortable if he was in the room   
   and watching the whole time.   
      
   • These mask mandates have really messed with our heads. For   
   example, I can't stop congratulating strangers for having a "great   
   mouth" when they remove their mask in my presence. I know how creepy   
   it sounds, I just can't help it. If they don't take it off, I just   
   keep trying to imagine what their mouth looks like underneath. It's   
   all I ever dream about these days. Surely I'm not the only one?   
      
      
   • Vin Diesel is a living legend. At the age of 54, his virtuoso   
   performance in F9 was a more impressive achievement than Tom Brady   
   winning his seventh Super Bowl.   
      
   • If I hadn't already lost almost $20 million on a dark web Reaper   
   drone scheme, I'd pay at least that much to watch Jake Sullivan   
   fight Jared Kushner in The Octagon.   
      
   • You don't have to be a communist to admit that Alexandria Ocasio-   
   Cortez is a certified smokeshow, but Kyrsten Sinema has a prettier   
   mouth and it's not even close.   
      
   War and love,   
      
   Biff Diddle   
      
      
   https://freebeacon.com/satire/biff-diddle-reviews-2021/   
      
   --   
   Sorry dude(s), but if you think AOC is "hot" - you couldn't attract   
   smell to a turd, or you have some really sad ugly fucking women in   
   your life.   
      
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)